Long Distance Jayhawk


Know Your Enemy: Texas Tech Red Raiders by longdistancejayhawk
January 10, 2015, 1:37 pm
Filed under: Preview

As you probably picked up from the previous post, Andrew ended up going to the Nets game with me. I’m glad he did, since he’s a Knicks fan, and I wanted him to see that the Nets aren’t much better than his woebegone Manhattanites. The Brooklyn Ballers did not disappoint.

From the very beginning it was going to be a special night at the Barclays. No one was there, which was kind of surprising to me as the tickets were in the ten dollar range for the true nosebleeds. I guess people had better things to do than watch the Sixers take on the hometown boys? Brooklyn, as is their general approach to life, managed to piss away yet another double digit lead1. I felt bad for the guys that sat next to us on our row. I was joking around with them during the shooting skills competition how the guy at the Mavs game managed to not even get the layup. That was the only Brooklyn highlight I could really remember2.

So, the Nets got up on the Philadelphia Tankitytankers and rather than continue to hold a lead, played up to their billing as the most expensively D-League team. It was a pretty rough watch, especially since Nerlens Noel was using the Barclay as his own private YouTube clip factory3. Yet, despite pissing away a lead like that, the Nets were still in it with about five seconds to go.

Then, they ran this. I won’t really break it down because it’s hideous and Devin Kharpetian at Brooklyn Game already did a good job tackling it. Just watch that video and imagine what it was like to sit in the stands and watch that shit. The fuck is going on? Is that really how the play was drawn up? Why does everything beautiful turn to total shit?

Why the fuck didn’t they just run Chop4?

Official Name: Texas Tech University
Nickname:
Red Raiders
Derisive Nickname:
Tubby Smith’s Impending Stroke

Signature Win: Treading water by not getting blown out in Big XII X XII play counts as a win when you’re such a miserable fucking team.

Key Players: I mean, I guess it has to be Devaugntah Williams, right? He’s the only TSIS averaging in double figures. I wanted to try and dig a little deeper, find someone that wasn’t the obvious choice but look at the season stats for this team. They’re atrocious. Rec league teams have better stats than these scrubs. As a whole the team doesn’t do shit well and it shows on an individual level. Yet, despite that, I fully anticipate we’ll let this team of nobodies stick around and make it a tight one. I mean, like 13 point victory tight which is a fucking travesty because these skidmarks should be getting pasted.

Keys to Victory: Playing basketball is a solid start. Look, there’s not much to say about this other than we can’t beat ourselves. I don’t trust this team to protect a bag of flour from thieving bakers if it were in a safe that could only be opened with a Toupee retina scan. Which is why this game won’t be a cakewalk. We have so much talent up and down the roster, we just can’t seem to get a flow, a rhythm together to save our lives. Obviously, out guys are good. They just don’t play as a team at this point and that’s scary. How long can you watch us eek out victories and play disjointed basketball and legitimately tell yourself “It’s okay, we’re young, we’ll gel as the season goes on?” At what point do you admit that maybe we’ve already gelled and this is it?

I don’t know the answer and I’ll probably keep excusing our various failings until we’re out of the tournament.

Delicious Local (to the enemy) Beer to Avoid: My kingdom for Billy Gillespie to still be the head coach so I could make a bunch of DUI jokes. At least, that’s what I would be saying if I hadn’t decided to turn a little gentler these last couple of seasons. No need to bash a man for his alcohol problem because who among us hasn’t done some stupid shit at the altar of the fermented bevie gods? Let those who are blameless pour the first Guinness.

Completely Mathematically Accurate Projection (Backed Up By Science)5: Texas Tech 68-81 Kansas

*

FOOTNOTES

1 – The Nets are in the midst of a four game skid. Not that it makes Andrew feel any better since the Knicks are currently trying their hardest to obliterate the previous franchise record for futility. Anyway, during the four game losing streak, the Nets have managed to hold a double-digit lead in pretty much all of them, only to piss it away at the end. In Miami, they just couldn’t keep it up and had a rally fail to pull off the win. Dallas they were up something like 13 only to see Dirk pull of some great moments and ultimately outlast a completely exhausted looking Nets. Followed that one up with easily the most dispirited game against the Celts where a 25-19 first quarter gave way to a second that saw a measly 14 points and the Nets sinking into don’t give a shit. Then, they lost to the fucking Sixers, who you might have heard are actively trying to lose. Back

2 – Yeah, that’s a lie. That Joe Johnson bomb from 30 feet out right in front of me. That I remember. Back

3 – Hilariously, it went both ways. In the first half, Noel was attacking the home team hard. He got some sick baseline dunks, shot over a couple of people like it was nothing and all around looked like the guy he’s billed to be. Then, in the second half, it was more of the same, except that the dunks wouldn’t go in. I honestly don’t think there’s anything funnier than a dude missing a dunk, not for the missed dunk but for the reaction. Pretty much everyone looks up at the rim in disbelief, then shakes their head in a betrayed manner. But you know, the only person that really betrayed them is them. Back

4 – At least Andrew and I got to see Lionslayer on the bench. He was wearing the most incredible outfit ever. White coat, black pants, (I swear this is true) sequined grey Italian loafers. If Rihanna hasn’t slide into his DMs yet, she probably will after seeing that ensemble.

What's with that scrub-turned-bench player covering Lionslayer's face? Get the Furk Aledmir! It's Pun Gun Time, yeeeeaah!

What’s with that scrub-turned-bench player covering Lionslayer’s face? Get the Furk Aledmir! It’s Pun Gun Time, yeeeeaah!

You can’t see the shoes in this shot, but you get the idea. I almost don’t want Embiid to ever play just so we get more outfits like this one. Back

5 – How could I be right? Santa Ape was born before science existed. Back

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