Long Distance Jayhawk


Sometimes, I refer to people by the nicknames that I (or in some cases, other people) have given them.  Since I know it can be confusing to refer to Brady Morningstar as Lucifer, I have decided to keep a glossary of nicknames and terms that I bandy about.  This is for your benefit, not mine, so if there seems to be something missing from the list, please let me know and I will add it in here (all shit listed in alphabetical order):

?Josh Selby.  I have yet to see him play a game.  I know nothing about him other than what ESPN has told regarding his ranking.  If he’s that fucking good, we may have lucked into something here.  If the NBA has a lockout (which looks about as likely as the sun coming up tomorrow), I feel he could be easily swayed to stay at least another year, rather than get NBA money and spend it all on cocaine. UPDATE: After a season with the man, I know even less about him. He technically sat on the bench for the entire season, I know he played in a couple of games, but I don’t have anything that I remember about him. He’ll be fine in the NBA as an 8th man on a mediocre team.

Ain’t No SeatsSherron Collins, former PG for KU.  Arguably one of the best guards to wear God’s Colors ever, Sherron earned the nickname for a (possibly apochryphal) story.  He was in class and no one was sitting in the front.  The professor asked everyone to move up, Sherron slept through the request.  The professor got him to wake up, asked him to move up to the front of the class, at which point Sherron blurted out “AIN’T NO SEATS!”  Higher education at its finest. Also, from following Collins on Twitter, I know that he loves money. A lot. Most of his arguments with people revolve around the fact that he won more games at KU than anyone else and he has more money than them. My university conferred a degree on him.

Allen – Short for Allen Fieldhouse, home of Kansas basketball.  Fun fact: When it was built, steel was being rationed, so the University submitted their plan under the guise of an armory.

Benedict Williams – a rather disparaging nickname for former coach Roy Williams.  He left after being defeated by Syracuse in the 2003 National Championship game.  He endeared himself to the Jayhawk faithful by saying “I don’t give a damn about North Carolina” when asked in the post game interview.  Of course, two days later, we watched as he left Lawrence for Chapel Hill.  This is a mostly retired nickname, as I personally buried the hatchet after the complete annihilation of his team at the hands of the Championship-bound 2008 Jayhawks.

Burrito Killa – Markieff Morris.  Probably an unfair nickname since he’s fucking killing it.  I like making jokes about his imaginary burrito addiction, so it isn’t going away anytime soon. UPDATE: Dude had a monster season, jumped further on the progression of awesomeness than his brother, then cemented the growth by getting picked in the draft before Double-Deuce. Did he work harder than being a mere Chiptole addict? No idea. He is one of the most impressive players from the 2010-11 team.

Color of Sexual Frustration, The – See “Sexual Frustration.”  Sure, I could copy and paste, but that just seems like a lot of work.  That’s why I’m going to make you do it.

Cool Hand – pervasive nickname for perennial benchwarmer Conner Teahan.  I didn’t make that one up, that’s a pretty common one.  Anyway, dude used to be stone cold in garbage time, but I didn’t see much last season to confirm the moniker.

D. J. Conner – nickname for Tyrel Reed.  Look at Reed.  Look at the kid who played D. J. Conner in Roseanne.‘Nuff said.

The Ghoul – former Kansas AD Lew Perkins.  He looks like a ghoul (mostly because he has a tiny head and massive, not fat, body).  Uncerimoniously resigned his position after Morningstar’s dad and others were caught scalping tickets. However, I like to think that his spectre is still hanging over the Athletics Department.

God’s Colors – The Crimson and the Blue.  I’m an atheist, but I still can’t let go of the idea that KU was selected by a higher power when Naismith (our first coach, motherfucker) invented the game of basketball that we all enjoy.

Gravey Boat – Jeff Graves, former KU player.  Though he hasn’t been with us for six or seven years (after dying of a massive coronary), Jeff Graves brought a lot of joy into my life.  Not so much for his basketball ability, which was questionable until the 2004 NCAA Tournament, where he nearly notched two double-doubles.  No, it wasn’t his skill that gave me joy, it was the fact that he was so woefully out of shape that I used to rip him apart unmercifully.  I had a running joke that Williams had a bag of cheeseburgers that he would hold over a trash can during games to motivate Graves to live up to his ability. Sometimes it worked (2004, again). Most of the time, it didn’t.

Jersey Chaser Triple Dip Award, JCTD – I came up with this in the middle of the 2010-11 season. Like all things wonderful, I stumbled on it by pure accident. I basically said that someone should get three jersey chasers to sleep with him after a stunning performance. The particulars aren’t important as to who the first recipient was (okay, I did some research, it looks like Mario Little got it…which might be kind of bad since he’d just come back from throwing his girlfriend into a sink…my bad), just that it exists and that from here until eternity, someone will be winning this award after every game.

Legolas – Kirk Hinrich. Hinrich was notable as being my favorite Jayhawk freshman year and being an incorrigible philanderer. The latter might be hearsay, but the rumor that I always heard, from a friend of a friend whose bestie nailed him, was that he cheated on his girlfriend constantly in Lawrence. However, he made the caveat that it wasn’t cheating if you didn’t kiss them. So, you know, there’s that.

Lucifer – Brady Morningstar, appropriate because Biblical scholars will remember that another name for Lucifer translates to Morning Star.  Don’t believe me?  Look that shit up.  That’s what Google is for.  Also, I like the idea of having a custom made #12 jersey with Lucifer on the name plate. UPDATE: Brady managed a few notable feats last season: he never seemed to have a BAC over the legal limit, he was the oldest Jayhawk to graduate and play at the age of 57, his dad got busted in the ticket scalping scandal and for most of the season had the best offensive efficiency of any Jayhawk. Just goes to show that poor life decisions don’t have any bearing on your court ability.

MC Double-Deuce – Marcus Morris.  A clever mashup of his jersey initials (Mc.) and his number.  I’m a fucking genius sometimes.

The Morrii – A sweet nickname my buddy Joel everyone and their mother came up with for the Morris Twins. I like it a little bit more than the Twin Towers, though I’ll probably use both interchangeably. I completely abandoned the other nickname as the season went on.

Murderbird – the Jayhawk.  This nickname (which is about as long as Jayhawk, but whatever) came about during the recording of my noise-rock (or rock-noise, depending on the day) band’s album.  It was never released, but I still feel attached to the name.  Basically, the Jayhawk kills anyone who feels stupid enough to challenge it.  It kills with extreme prejudice.

My Best Friend – Tyshawn Taylor. After God’s Team put a hurting on the Memphis Tigers in MSG, I went to the restroom. Who should I run into on the way? None other than Turnover Machine Tyshawn Taylor! Naturally, I snapped a photo of him. We’ve pretty much been best buds ever since. Well, other than the fact that he doesn’t call me.

Philly Handshake – After the Morrii started picking up flagrant technicals with regularity, I started to joke (mostly to myself, but also to anyone who would listen) that people needed to stop penalizing them for trying to give out a handshake. People outside of the Northeast don’t know this, but Philly is a hellish place. If you don’t walk into a bar and punch someone in the face, you’re probably going to get raped. It’s just the law of the land (also, not being able to buy beer anywhere in the city other than bars is another law of that land). So, the Morrii have been trained to greet people with a Philly Handshake. Generally, it’s an elbow to the face, but it comes in many other varieties.

The Phog – This one is tricky, so pay attention to context.  KU plays in Allen Fieldhouse, but the court is named after dominant coach Phog Allen (who could also wrestle bears like a champ, but I digress…).  The atmosphere in Allen Fieldhouse is oppressive, kind of like a fog.  Convenient that we have Phog Allen in our history, yes?

The Prophet — Elijah Johnson.  My buddy Justin coined this one.  I don’t know that I agree (sure, Biblical shit seems to be prevalanet in this whole Kansas love fest).  Honestly, I haven’t seen anything from this kid that says anything about the future other than “I’m coming off the bench, motherfucker.”  At least he isn’t Tyshawn Taylor and imitating Rodney Dangerfield (“I get no respect.”  Keep talking…Toupee will send you to some D-II school). Let me reassess: I’ve been looking at advanced metrics for Johnson. He’s actually a really solid bench player. He shoots well, especially from 3s (40%) and he isn’t a liability when he’s on the court. Given that he’s probably #2 after TT going into the season, I like to think that he’ll stay just below that level (obviously, coming off the deep side of the bench and rocking it are a far different cry from being the best offensive player on the squad. Or as 2010-11 knew him, Brady Morningstar).

Rock Chalk Jayhawk (sometimes stated as “Rock Chalk Motherfucker”) – The school’s chant, conceived by some opium high geology kids on a train ride coming into Lawrence.  Lawrence is build on some chalk hills and so…well, that’s about it.  What’s important, really, is that there are two ways to do the chant.  The less important is the spirit boosting version done fast.  The more important is the death knell version that is sung during the closing minutes of an blowout victory.  Usually, it’s so loud, you can hear it on TV.

Sexual Frustration – I’ll admit that I stole this from a Vice Dos and Don’ts where Gavin McGuinness put a baby on blast for wearing a purple sweat suit.  What does that have to do with basketball?  Glad you asked, intrepid reader.  K-State’s primary color is purple.  Everyone in Manhattan, KS is sexually frustrated (as are the denizens of Manhattan proper, but that’s another story).  I think I’ve made my point clear.

Sith Lord – Rick Barnes, head coach of the Texas Longhorns.  Watch that guy the next time there’s a Texas game on TV.  He’s fucking intense.  Not intense like Frank Martin, but intense.  His eyes have almost no color sometimes and his lips are so pursed that you can almost see him talking in the voice of the Emperor.  I feel like there’s a casket waiting outside the arena at all times, in case he chokes someone to death with the power of his own fucking mind.

Tharpapalooza – One of the 2011-2012 squad’s Freshman recruits. I know little about him other than the fact that he’s a Jayhawk now, he loves #teamfoe, and he gets tattoos like most people breathe air. You know, since college kids have tons of money to be spending on expensive ink. I’m looking forward to getting to know him since he’s probably going to be around a while.

Toupee (also Coach Toupee, Bill Self’s Toupee, etc.) – There’s speculation that Bill Self is a balding, but vain man.  As such, he wear’s a toupee.  You can see him on the sidelines tamping it down whenever he gets worked up.  Is it true?  I don’t know.  That’s what I like about Self: classy mystery.  Also, if you’re ever wandering around Brooklyn and stumble on a wireless network called “Bill Self’s Toupee,” you’ve found me.  Knock on the door and maybe you’ll make a cameo in Long Distance Jayhawk.

Twin Terrors – The devastating bear trap that is Jordan Hamilton and Tristan Thompson. These two guys are crazy good. Just a horrifying thing to see, especially when your team is playing them. Luckily, they can’t be around forever and we only have to play them once.

Two First Names – Nickname for Justin Wesley. In general, I don’t trust anyone with two first names but as long as he keeps up the stifling D like he did against Kentucky, I may have to reevaluate things.


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