Long Distance Jayhawk

2014-15 Big XII Preview, Part 2 – …Blood by longdistancejayhawk

Welcome to Part 2 of my insanely long Big XII X XII Conference preview. If you haven’t read Part 1 yet, do yourself and favor and do that before taking a bite out of this bad boy. You’ll be glad you did since you won’t have any surprises when it comes to which teams are decidedly not being discussed in this part of the preview. Also, as noted in Part 1, I wrote this Friday and Saturday of last week, using numbers going into conference play. Obviously, I’m a little late getting this out there in the world, but I honestly thought we weren’t getting into the Big XII X XII till this week. Which is what happens every year since Kansas likes to have that one last non-conference game on the Saturday that everyone else starts. I should note this for next year, but I’ll totally forget.

And then there were five.

And then there were five.

Well, we’re all here. Are you rested? Did you get yourself a little snack? Maybe you actually did a little work in the downtime between the first piece going up and this one. Perhaps you didn’t. Maybe you spent some time pondering the Dion Waiters to OKC, JR Smith and Iman Shumpert to Cleveland trade1. Who knows what you did, but I’mm glad you’re here. There isn’t too much to say in terms of a preamble, so let’s get down to it.


  1. ?
  2. ??
  3. ???
  4. ????
  5. ?????
  6. Oklahoma
  7. Oklahoma State
  8. Texas Christian
  9. Kansas State
  10. Texas Tech

I think I did pretty good there! Not to toot my own horn or anything…I think the ballsiest pick was going against TCU, but as I mentioned in the last piece, I really don’t trust them to stay nearly as good in this death valley of a conference. I’d love to be proven wrong and see the Horned Frogs make a play at relevance, though.

Now, let’s get into the top half of the Big XII X XII. Quick note: I wrote these almost immediately after Part 1. So, I kind of lost a little steam. Or maybe these assessments are more streamlined thanks to me barfing up all the detritus I felt necessary in the first go around. Whatever the case, there’s a fully 1,000 fewer words here, so you can probably get through it without having to avoid your boss too much with minimizing the browser window.

#5 – Baylor Bears

Last Season’s Shame: 26-12 (9-9) – What could have been a terrible season following a 1-6 start to conference play, Scott Drew’s Bears ripped off an 8-3 run to cap league play en route to Big XII X XII Championship game and a Sweet Sixteen appearance against the Great Kamiskies of Wisconsin.
Emoji-nal State:
Non-Conference Record:
Projected Conference Record: 10-8
Projected Total:

Ranked Game Record: 0-0
Baller Wins:
Either win over Texas A&M or Vanderbilt, since all it takes is one of those teams pulling off the impossible and toppling Kentucky for us to ascribe the transitive property of wins and declare that Baylor could, in fact, beat Kentucky.
Brutal Losses: 
They only lost to Illinois, so by default.

Baylor kicks off the top half of the Big XII X XII picks and ranking series. This might be the second biggest stretch of my picks since this is a Scott Drew team we’re talking about. As with a lot of these, I’m going with the ol’ gut because I don’t trust Baylor to be able to replicate their pre-conference success in such a hellaciously tough conference. A huge part of my trepidation is that they haven’t played anyone of note prior to taking on Oklahoma over the weekend. And they lost that one. So…yeah, maybe I’m starting to worry a bit about putting them over Oklahoma.

Ultimately, I decided that the talent and experience of this team would overcome the curse of Scott Drew. Rico Gathers, a junior forward, is averaging a double-double. Also, there are just two frosh getting appreciable burn for this squad, while there are a whopping 8 upperclassmen (6 are juniors). At a certain point, the experience of being there has to count for something. I can’t imagine that even Scott Drew’s penchant for not getting the most out of his team can overwhelm the amount of talent collected here.

#4 – West Virginia Mountaineers

Last Season’s Shame: 17-16 (9-9) – Did you see what the Mountaineers did last year? They went 8-5 in pre-conference and 9-9 in conference which was good enough to make me at least think about whether or not they deserved to be considered a fringe bubble team. Maybe I’m wrong, but I feel like that was at least a conversation in March of last year.
Emoji-nal State:
Non-Conference Record:
Projected Conference Record: 10-8
Projected Total:

Ranked Game Record: 1-0
Baller Wins:
At the time, UCONN looked like a solid team defending their title, even though they were in the middle of a free fall at the time. So, WVU gets to hold on to that #17 victory.
Brutal Losses: 
Losing to actual LSU, rather than faux-LSU TSU isn’t the best thing you can do to burnish the old tournament resume.

Jesus, have you seen or heard about what’s happening in Morgantown? This team is about buckets and buckets and buckets and the only way to get buckets and buckets and buckets is to shoot. Like a shit ton. I mean, like constantly. As of Friday when I pulled numbers, they had taken a mind boggling 844 shots, outstripping number two in the conference, TCU, by a staggering 132 shots YTD. That’s nuts! They’re taking nearly ten more shots per game than the second place team in the rest of the conference. Add in the fact that they’re forcing a league high 13.46 steals per game (about 3.5 more than second place OSU) and you realize just how fast this Mountaineer team truly is.

My big reservation though comes when you dig a little deeper. Right now, Huggins’ squad is 24th in PPG (78.9) which is great…except that it comes on a truly abysmal 42.9% FG% (good for 211th in the country). Oof. That’s not the most reassuring thing I’ve ever seen. I spent a lot of time trying to figure out if West Virginia was going to run into a huge problem when the pace of the game inevitably slows down. What happens when they have to take say 45-50 shots as opposed to 60-65 they’re shooting right now? I know this is Huggins’ brand of basketball and that’s ultimately what helped me rank the Mountaineers so high2. Even if there’s a bad night or stretch, Huggy Bear’s  been there before. He can get the most out of these guys, good for a fourth place finish.

#3 – Texas Longhorns

Last Season’s Shame: 24-11 (11-7) – Look at that! Another Sith Lord team that makes it through the regular season well on the right side of .500 only to fizzle out in the first weekend of the tournament3!
Emoji-nal State:
Non-Conference Record:
Projected Conference Record: 13-5
Projected Total:

Ranked Game Record: 1-1
Baller Wins:
Just getting in on the “UCONN is a quality win” bandwagon as the Huskies were free fallin’ without a parachute into ignominy.
Brutal Losses:
Losing to Stanford sticks out because fuck the Cardinal.

Honestly, this seems like the biggest gamble on the whole list. Rick Barnes is a slippery coach to figure out and his Texas teams are no different. I’m not an expert on the Longhorns, but I feel like there are only two Rick Barnes teams: 1.) the upper-middle tier talented team that flies under the radar while racking up a solid number of wins and a tournament appearance; 2.) the ultra-for-Barnes-talented squad that flies a little too close to the sun before bursting into spectacular flame out. I feel like there’s no middle ground.

Which is why this could be the biggest gamble on my list. The Longhorns are looking really good so far. They’ve got a slew of wins on their resume and just two losses. One of those losses was to the buzzsaw of Kentucky, which they only lost by twelve and surely covered the spread4. That’s a win, right? And they’ve done it all without phenom guard Isaiah Taylor since the Iowa game back in November.

Which is why I was hesitant to put them this high. With Taylor coming back from injury, I worry that this will morph back into the type of Barnes team that doesn’t wait till the tournament to shit the bed. If that’s the case, backing them is going to look stupid. But I’m prepared to look stupid. This year’s Texas team eats glass like it is their fucking job and the talent up and down the roster fits what Sith Lord wants in a basketball team. Are they a threat to win it all? Of course not, but could they sneak into winning the Big XII X XII? Of course.

#2 – Kansas Jayhawks

Last Season’s Shame: 25-10 (14-4) – No need to rehash the dirty deets here. Not my favorite vintage to watch, though going down to Stanford the first weekend…yeah, that was pretty rough.
Emoji-nal State:
Non-Conference Record:
Projected Conference Record: 15-3
Projected Total:

Ranked Game Record: 2-1
Baller Wins:
Michigan State by five to take the Orlando Classic crown for the side of righteousness.
Brutal Losses: 
Two way tie: Kentucky punching straight through our faces to the tune of 32 or Temple smoking us 25. Look, if you’re going to lose, you might as well make it look like you never bothered to lace up your dunks.

I think it’s obvious what I think about this year’s vintage at this point. Especially if you read every post. To give a quick Cliff’s Notes: this is one of the weirder teams of the Toupee era. We’re bursting with a good mixture of talent, experience, and skill…yet we can’t seem to string any of it together into a workable whole for more than 20 minutes a game. If that. For every game where we get a monster, career performance from one of our guys, someone else is playing like they forgot there was a game going on. Most of the time, our sheer talent wins out, getting us the brass ring almost in spite of ourselves. Other times, mercifully few this season so far, no one steps up and we end up getting embarrassed out of the building. Which is why we need to be ready to assume crash positions at any point during any game this season.

This is not, as currently humming, a team prepared to win a National Championship, let alone a clear and convincing win for our eleventh straight regular season.

Which is why I couldn’t put us at the top of the list. At least not alone.

Look, I’ve seen enough teams under the stewardship of Self overachieve to keep the conference title streak alive and so I can’t rule us out to continue the streak. I don’t have faith in this squad. Not yet. But I have never-ending faith in Toupee. He will pull this team together, mash it together into a competitor. It’s that faith and the belief that in nine weeks, we’ll be seeing the vision of the team that we’ve had flashes of so far this season. And that team will be rounding into form at the right time. But they’ll also be tying with Iowa fucking State.

#1 – Iowa State Cyclones

Last Season’s Shame: 28-8 (11-7) – Probably the best season in Ames in a while, especially since they didn’t have the Prophet to be the focal point of their intense self-esteem issues. They capped off a great regular season with their first Big XII X XII title since 2000 and a Sweet Sixteen exit to eventual champion UCONN.
Emoji-nal State:
Non-Conference Record:
Projected Conference Record: 15-3
Projected Total:

Ranked Game Record: 1-0
Baller Wins:
An 18-point win over then #18 Arkansas is only eclipsed by a 50-point ritual sacrifice of the Mississippi Valley State Sun Devils. I swear they’re D-I despite the insane logo.
Brutal Losses:
Probably losing to the Gamecocks a mere three days before the start of conference play.

Obviously, the Mayor of Ames has done this before: had an impressive start to the season, only to get into Big XII X XII play and watch life pump the breaks a little bit. I’m sure, given the talent on the roster and what they’ve been doing under Hoiberg, an 11-7 finish in Conference wasn’t an ideal way to end the season. Which is why I’m worried that this team is out for blood now.

Iowa State is like West Virginia, in that they’re scoring and scoring a lot. But they’re doing it considerably more efficiently. Currently, they’re in the top-20 nationally in both scoring (82.4 PPG, 14th in country) and percentage (49.4%, 16th in country). They’re doing what WVU is attempting, but doing it better. I fully expect both of those to cool off when we get into the thick of conference play. But I can’t imagine it falls off nearly enough for them to not win at least 80% of their league games. If there’s ever a year for us to lose our seat at the top of the Conference, this is the year. And if there’s a team to knock us off, I don’t trust Texas to do it, mostly because that wouldn’t fit with the Sith Lord’s narrative. No, Iowa State, this year, is the biggest threat to our streak. It would cap the story that started with Melvin Weatherwax and the Prophet dunk. This is how these things work. I’m not happy about it, but here we are.

Of course, at the risk of giving up my Jayhawk cred here, I’d like to point out that I do have us tying with the Cyclones. However, the only reason they’re slotted above us is because of the previously mentioned feeling that we’re going to drop both to these shits only to redeem ourselves in the Big XII X XII Tournament.

God, I hate this season already.


That’s it. I’m sure you’re all like 80% as exhausted reading this shit as I was writing it. I believe I did the best I could, at least in terms of ranking the teams if not their actual records. If you have a problem with any of them, come at me, bro. Now, if you’re interested in a little peek at how the sausage is made here is the spreadsheet with all my predictions on it (and if you’re really interested in like how I slaughtered the pig for the sausage making, here’s a scan of all the notes that ultimately grew into this twin behemoth). The first sheet is me literally picking every game for every team. A “1” means I think they win that game and a “0” should be pretty fucking obvious, but just in case…that’s a loss, Jimmy. Sheet 2 is conference standings at the end of the year, based on my picks for the individual games. Yes, for like the hundredth time, I think ISU is going to beat us twice in the regular season. It just feels like it’s coming back on us for reasons I can’t quite understand. Finally, I threw in a conference tourney bracket that I filled out, mostly to make me feel better about picking against us. Nothing quite like the tantalizing possibility of embarassing Weatherwax at what should be his team’s crowning glory, ammirite?

Ok, that’s it. For making it through about 6,300 words, you deserve a medal. I don’t have any handy, so rain check? Now get out of here. I’m sure you all have families and shit you need to hug and feign affection for.



1 – Okay, confession…I wrote that intro graph after I got home from the Mavs/Nets game and wanted to talk about something timely. You know, because the temporal physics of the internet allow me to write things in the past, update them, then post them in the future. OoOoOoOoO! What a world! Anyway, I have some thoughts on the trade (shocker!) that I’d love to get into, but I’ll save that for another time. Just know that I find it insane that the Cavs would want to ship out one chucking head case for another in Smith (Andrew, your email was spot on in terms of why this trade is insane). Are they really that hard up for scoring with LeBron out that they want to bring in another guy to clash with Kyrie? What are the chances they end up waiving the guy just because? Seriously, I don’t totally understand it from the Cavs side. From the Knicks side, sure. Just not sure what Cleveland hopes to gain here. Back

2 – And apparently the hottest start for the Mountaineers since like 1981, according to Seth Greenburg during halftime of the Notre Dame-North Carolina game. That’s kind of shocking, since I figured they’d had at least a few good seasons during the Huggy Bear reign. Back

3 – Yes, I know, I know…but come on! At least we make it to the second weekend sometimes. Back

4 – Is it possible for us to create a new set of rules for the 2014-15 Kentucky team? Can we only count wins for them if they cover the spread? I mean, they’ve got to be getting like 18-plus per game, so at least that would make this season sort of competitive. Back


2014-15 Big XII Preview, Part 1 – There Will Be… by longdistancejayhawk
Googling Big 12 Conference brought up this gem. I'm personally super happy we ended up as Otto.

Googling Big 12 Conference brought up this gem. I’m personally super happy we ended up as Otto.

As I’m writing this, there’s snow falling in New York. We’re getting to that time of year when outside is miserable, inside is a little less so, and the basketball starts to really matter1. These are the games where you bundle up, as much to protect from the cold as to protect from the rivalries renewed and the potential blood baths on the horizon. Most years, hell, ten in a row, God’s Faithful have gone into this part of the slog with high expectations and a true belief that we can win the whole league. There’s certainly doubt, but if pressed on the issue, we all know that we would bet good money on Kansas to take the conference crown.

That confidence…where did it go?

The absence of a clearly dominant Kansas squad this season is what makes this year’s Big XII X XII conference slate so intriguing. We aren’t the clear favorite to win it all, though we’re not out of the conversation. Texas, a preseason darling to take the title, is lurking even if they haven’t made a strong, definitive statement on the issue yet. The Cyclones are frisky, playing a type of basketball that I can only describe as Anti-B1G. Meanwhile, the Bears aren’t hibernating and Oklahoma looms as a fringe contender following an impressive season last year. Yet none of these teams have an unblemished record, an achievement unique to the Horned Frogs coming into conference play.

Think about it. The Big XII X XII plays a round robin schedule, two games against each opponent. No one in this conference is a stiff, even poor K-State who barely made it .500 to start league play. There will be blood. There will be hurt feelings, tough games, bad losses, and glorious beatdowns. Don’t let anyone tell you that so-and-so upset so-and-so in this conference. Everyone could beat everyone. There are no upset when the bottom of the league is barely worse than the middle which is barely worse than the top.

This is going to be fun. Bloody, but definitely fun.


  1. TCU – 13-0
  2. West Virginia – 12-1
  3. Baylor – 11-1
  4. Texas – 11-2
  5. Kansas – 11-2
  6. Iowa State – 10-2
  7. Oklahoma State – 10-2
  8. Texas Tech – 10-3
  9. Oklahoma – 9-3
  10. Kansas State – 7-6

Shockingly, we’re not at the top or near it. Sixth is okay. Let’s play the vulture card, hovering in striking distance before swooping down and ripping through this conference one more time. Also, TCU? Really? Congrats, Trent. You’ve certainly turned that sinking ship around.

Now that we know where we stand, let’s get into the rankings. Each of these selections is mine and mine alone. I spent a full day looking at each team, examining their strengths, weaknesses, what got them here. Then, I picked every single matchup for every single team to come up with their conference record. And this…this is what came of all that work.

Also, I’ve decided that each team will be given an official Emoji-nal State this year. This was spurred by a joke you’ll read in like 10 minutes about TCU. Thanks to Jess for taking the time to read all these team profiles and help with the Emoji-nal States.

#10 – Texas Tech Red Raiders

Last Season’s Shame: 14-18 (6-12) – First year of Tubby Smith ends with Tubby’s first losing season as a head coach. I’m pretty sure we can all agree that the vodka-fueled dumpster fire Gillespie left in his wake is the real reason for this.
Emoji-nal State:
Texas Tech
Non-Conference Record:
Projected Conference Record: 2-16 
Projected Total:

Ranked Game Record: 0-03
Baller Wins:
Absolutely none. Seriously, look at their schedule. They’ve lost to pretty much any team that you might have heard of, even if it’s because they’re a football school.
Brutal Losses: 
Not to pass judgement on the Missouri Valley Conference here, but an 18-point shellacking at the hands of Loyola University Chicago has to qualify. I have a friend who went there because they have a solid stage production program, so you know they’ve got the finger on the pulse of hoops recruiting.

I know that, looking at the record alone, the Red Raiders look like a strong team. But as you’ll see with pretty much all of these previews, everyone in the Big XII X XII is crushing their way into the conference slate. I mean, K-State (in a minute, I promise) is the worst team in the league right now and even they haven’t managed to completely play their way out of the tournament quite yet. Neither have the Red Raiders, but it’s only a matter of time before the buzzsaw of a stacked league knocks them back to their rightful place in the conference standings.

I honestly wanted to award the continuity of the Tubby Smith era4 and give them a couple of extra wins just for having a competent coach who didn’t get run out of town after a single season (Billy Gillespie). Or the nepotism selection from hell (Pat Knight). I just couldn’t do it. They’ve played mediocre basketball so far this season against some truly laughable opponents. They just can’t be as good as their record here. Once they get into league play and have to go two-fer against the top…hell, even the middle…of this conference, they’re going to be in for a rude awakening and a fun time watching the tournament from Buffalo Wild Wings5.

#9 – Kansas State Wildcats

Last Season’s Shame: 20-13 (10-8) – A solid season for Sexual Frustration that saw them take one each off Kansas and Iowa State. Naturally, they made the tournament, only to get punted in the first round by perhaps the most loathsome Kentucky team in recent memory6.
Emoji-nal State:
Non-Conference Record:
Projected Conference Record: 4-14
Projected Total:

Ranked Game Record: 0-1
Baller Wins:
Slim pickings here, but I’m going to go with a ass beating of Purdue since I can’t honestly count losing by four to ‘Zona as a win7
Brutal Losses: 
Could a team have a harder time winning gimme games? I can’t decide if a 23-point assassination by Pitt is worse than a 2-point edging by Texas Southern. At least Pitt’s a major conference team, one that most likely has a dance invite waiting for them at the end of the season.

I really wanted to put K-State higher than this. I like it when the Wildcats can hang in games and make shit interesting. Mostly that’s because I miss Missouri. Like a lot. But what has K-State done so far this year to engender any faith? Look at the record, which would be totally fine if they’d taken their talent level into, say, Kansas’ non-conference slate. It isn’t fine though. They can’t seem to win winnable games. That’s not a good sign in this conference of death.

One thing that might help is that they’ve been reasonably efficient in scoring a horrific8 68.3 PPG. I don’t see much in them to fuel any faith in them being a defensive juggernaut, but if they can figure that end of the court out, they could prove me wrong. I just don’t see that happening, though. I don’t think this is Bruce Weber’s year and, if that’s the case, he might be moving on to greener9 pastures.

#8 – Texas Christian Horned Frogs10

Last Season’s Shame: 9-22 (0-18) – I don’t think there’s much to go over here. I believe this emoji based Photoshopping tells the tale pretty accurately.
Emoji-nal State:
TCU-Poop on FIRE
Non-Conference Record:
Projected Conference Record: 6-12
Projected Total: 19-12

Ranked Game Record: 0-0
Baller Wins:
Tennessee State University is clearly the highlight of their schedule since I thought it was actually LSU for a minute. Not that LSU’s good at basketball, but that’s a team that’s probably in the running for “everyone else” after Kentucky in the SEC. Seriously. Look at the logos side-by-side and tell me that TSU isn’t totally trying to trick people:

Seriously! Look at that shit! If Knutford University was upset about our Trajan logo, I'm pretty sure LSU should be like double pissed about this business.

Seriously! Look at that shit! If Knutford University was upset about our Trajan logo, I’m pretty sure LSU should be like double pissed about this business.

Brutal Losses: Well, if you haven’t lost a game, you don’t have any brutal losses. Really, that’s just a technicality, but zero losses all the same.

Last year wasn’t a season to remember for the Horned Frogs. Going out backwards in Cofnerence play is pretty hard when you consider that even the Red Raiders managed to win a game or two here and there under Pat Knight’s stewardship. Winning a single Conference game should be difficult, but not impossible. Hell, last year’s 0-18 TCU team was just a year removed from a two win campaign that saw them take a game off of Kansas in perhaps the worst regular season performance of the Toupee era. See, that was a horrible team that still managed to fight their way out of a paper sack and win two games. So going un-feated? That’s a pretty heady accomplishment.

Now, if you thought that Trent Johnson’s squad was going to try and give Towson a run for their money for longest losing streak11, you were dead wrong. And I mean dead fucking wrong. Rather than continue to roll over, the Horned Frogs went the opposite way and have won every single game they’ve played this season. All of them. Look, I know, I didn’t believe it myself, but there they are: a sterling 13-0.

It’s super impressive. It’s also unsustainable.

Look, Trent Johnson might finally be turning the TCU program around. However, it is a long road from complete and total doormat to respectability and even further to contending for a conference title. I can’t put faith in Johnson, a .532 career coach, to turn it around completely. One huge red flag, aside from the quality of competition, is their leading scorer, Anderson, is the only Horned Frog to average double figures on the season. That’s troubling coming into league play where the competition is better and defenses aren’t going to be fooled by Anderson. Expect TCU’s scoring to dry up considerably12.

The bulk of their scoring is on the guards and the team as a whole is shooting a staggering 48.5% on the season. That’s great! It’s just that I don’t trust that number when it comes to playing against quality competition. Amric Fields is going to need to get better on the production side of things, improving from his current 8.0 PPG. He’s hitting at an insane clip (59.6%), so if he can increase scoring without damaging the percentage, TCU should improve in conference play. I think six games is more than enough improvement13.

#7 – Oklahoma State Cowboys

Last Season’s Shame: 21-13 (8-10) – A trainwreck of a season that featured a seven game losing streak at the worst possible time, Marcus Smart (justifibly, in my opinion) attacking a fan, and a mercy killing at the hands of Gonzaga in the tournament. I’m sure I had OSU slotted to get out of the first round, but I also ignored my own “don’t back any team that melted down for seven straight games” rule.
Emoji-nal State:
Non-Conference Record: 
Projected Conference Record: 7-11
Projected Total: 

Ranked Game Record: 0-1
Baller Wins:
A 74-72 OT win over Missouri. Missouri isn’t good at all, but I’m going to give props to any team that protects the world from Missouri joy.
Brutal Losses: 
A 26-point skull fucking by a middle-of-the-SEC-pack Gamecocks squad.

This team is a run-and-gun nightmare. Who needs assists when you can have two dudes average 17+ points? Fuck ball movement, jack it up, boys! Oklahoma State features Le’Bryan Nash has come into his own this season, averaging 17.9 PPG after averaging 13.8 in his first three season in Stillwater. He’s finally the player that everyone thought he would be and he’s doing it on an insanely efficient 47.5% shooting. Meanwhile, Phil Forte III is morphing into a reasonable approximation of Keiton fucking Page v2.0. More skills, better all around game added to a bombing white dude. Between Forte and Nash, there’s a shade shy of 35 points of production. No other duo in the cofnerence that I noted was combining for more.

Oklahoma State is good and they’ve clearly found a rythm for what they want to do on the court. My main issue is the lack of assists, though. Currently, they’re 64th in the country in scoring while 240th in assists. That’s not good. I’m sure Oklahoma State is going to be fun to watch and a nightmare for slow teams in the Big XII X XII, but how can they continue their path to victory when teams force them into full 35-second offensive sets? If they’re not able to get into a flow, I don’t see how they keep the scoring up. They’ll fall off a bit in conference, but that, as it has been with most of these teams, be a function of the toughness of the league, rather than them being a shitty team14.

#6 – Oklahoma Sooners

Last Season’s Shame: 21-10 (12-6) – A very good regular season capped by two quick tournament exits. Oklahoma deserved better last year than getting bounced in the first round by North Dakota State.
Emoji-nal State:

Non-Conference Record:
Projected Conference Record: 8-10
Projected Total: 

Ranked Game Record: 1-2
Baller Wins:
A convincing 10-point win over UCLA made all the more convincing when you consider it was in the Battle 4 Atlantis and their totally tits ballroom-cum-basketball court15. Also, they continued the theme of Oklahoma protecting the country from Misery happiness by curbstomping them by 19 in early December.
Brutal Losses: A two-point loss against the Creighton Bluejays, all the more shameful since Dougie McBuckets wasn’t there to score like 150 points and make it an actual rout. Also, Creighton’s going to be terrible this season, which will only make this loss look worse as the season wears on.

I like this team! Seriously! This isn’t a misprint or anything, I genuinely think Oklahoma’s a good squad this year and they’re the Maginot Line for the conference. You want into the Tournament? You need to overcome Oklahoma to ensure your entry, my friend.

The Sooners have been slowly building a decent contender, one that’s primed to erase the memory of that shit squad that Kansas routed three seasons ago16. I really like watching Buddy Hield play. Ditto Cousins. Hell, I’ll even (flow…thoughts arrive like butterflies) give some love to Spangler, who manages to be both an annoying shit and a really good fundamental college player. This season, Oklahoma does a lot of things well, and isn’t atrocious at anything while they’re at it. Lon Krueger is definitely continuing the upward trajectory of the program, even if, numbers wise, this is going to look like a bit of a slip.

One huge caveat, though: Oklahoma took advantage of a weaker Big XII X XII last season that saw a number of teams that should have performed better go into tailspins of various magnitudes. Is that door still open this season? Personally, I say no, but it wouldn’t shock me if the Sooners manage to sneak into the top three by the end of the season. Which is what made picking teams this year so hard. Everyone looks solid and at least one team that looks solid has to collapse. I feel like Oklahoma is the team most likely for that to happen, even though I think they’re really good. But being the dividing line between the good and the great isn’t to say they’ll have a bad year. Just more proof of how rough this conference slate is going to be.


That wraps up part one of my two-part MEGA Big XII X XII preview. Come back this afternoon for part two.



1 – And now, it’s snowing when this gets posted, too. Funny how that works. Of course, the snow’s a minor annoyance comapared to be a horrible cold snap coming. Consider yourself lucky if you get to drive places rather than walk to the subway in brutal cold. Back

2 – Yes, I’m well aware that I just blamed Tubby’s first losing season on picking up the chunks of limbs scattered around Lubbock following the departure of Billy Gillespie, but there’s just no way, no fucking way he manages to right that ship this season. The Big XII X XII is just too strong. Like, to the point where this preview is packed with some total judgement calls, rather than any strong feeling about a particular team. Back

3 – I mentioned it on Twitter, but I wrote this prior to the Big XII X XII Conference season starting…but then published it after the season started. So, yes, I’m aware that Tech just got through dropping their conference opener to Texas, but for the purposes of this, let’s just stick with non-conference ranked wins. As if I believed that shit held any water. Back

4 – Two years without a DUI or a player assault! Let’s pop some champagne! Back

5 – Hopefully, Tubby springs for a trip up to the city and a huge post-season feast for his squad at the Buffalo Wild Discotheque up in Times Square. Back

6 – I mean, every year they’re loathsome, but usually, they have the good graces to be unstoppable, like this year. If this year’s team doesn’t win it all, then they probably died in a plane crash or something. They’re that good and that makes them loathsome. No, last year’s Kentucky squad was a different breed of awful. That team of world-beaters managed to stumble their way to 11 losses. Eleven! All this while over-zealous Wildcat fans are getting tattoos to commemorate a 2014 Championship that never came…except that it very nearly became a reality. What’s worse than that? The universe finally give us what we all want (Kentucky shame) and they very nearly turned it into yet another National Championship. What I’m saying, there’s clearly no higher power or anything. Back

7 – Even though, as terrible as this team is, that’s totally a win. Anytime you can take a favorite for the title down to the wire, you’re doing something right. Even if only for a minute. Back

8 – Yes, yes, I know…Kansas struggles to score and all that jazz. Look, I’m freely admitting this is one of those “pot calling the kettle black” situations. Back

9 – Read: somewhere with a solid base of talent that’s already been recruited so he can look competent for a couple years before his inability to recruit becomes apparent and, like shampoo, he’s lat(h)er-r(un)se-repeat. Further reading: see Illinois tenure of Weber, Bruce. Back

10 – From here on out, I think the teams are not evenly matched, but considerably closer then the previous two. As such, the next seven previews are probably going to be more in-depth than the last two. Look, I want to bring you the kind of analysis you deserve, but seriously…Texas Tech and K-State are garbage and there’s no need to spend too much time worrying about them. Back

11 – Trent Johnson certainly isn’t winning any coach of the century awards for his career body of work, but he isn’t a slouch either. TCU retaining his services despite the debacle of last season is a testament to how little of a shit TCU gives about their basketball programt17. Back

12 – Somehow, they’re 47th in the country, scoring a ridiculous 75.2 PPG. Again, look at the competition they’re playing. I’m pretty sure a pickup team could notch that many points against the types of teams TCU has gone against so far this season. Back

13 – Seriously, having TCU end up in the seven spot might have been the toughest call here. I think they’re legit, but I think they’re legit the way that Baylor is three out of four years. Good players, well coached, terrible situation. If you moved TCU back into a mid-major, I’m pretty sure they’d be ripping limbs left and right. In the BigXII XII? They’re in a shitty situation and there’s little hope for more of the redemption narrative that’s taken place in their non-conference slate. Back

14 – It should be noted that I think this is the line for tournament teams from the BigXII X XII. Oklahoma State is probably in, but they have work to do. Same with the next team on the list. Back

15 – Full disclosure: I watched a lot of that tournament over Feast Week, thanks to my parents’ beloved UNC playing in the tournament. I tried to explain that they should be prepared for quite possibly the worst aesthetic basketball ever. Seriously, Atlantis…you’re not broke. Build a goddamned basketball court. Back

16 – I remember watching that one at my friend Jane’s spot with her former roommate Kyle. It was a typical game watching experience with Kyle, since he loved to make fun of Kansas’ dominance. In this particular matchup, Oklahoma fans left Lloyd Noble with like 15 minutes left in the second half. I’d like to blame an incoming snowstorm on the mass exodus that left the stands empty for a convincing KU win, but that’s not true. No, Oklahoma was just a train wreck that game (and really, that whole season). Back

17 – And honestly, they shouldn’t care too much about it since they’re like a reverse Kansas in that regard. Sure, they had some rough season on the gridiron the last couple of years, but the absolute demolition they delivered from start to finish on Ole Miss in the Chik-Fil-A Peach Bowl. Did they deserve to be in the playoffs? Probably. But they shouldn’t be disappointed with the hardware they did take. I mean, it isn’t like the hoops team’s going to be bringing anything home for the trophy case any time soon. Back

Know Your Enemy: Baylor Bores by longdistancejayhawk

As those of you who read me regularly know, I had a pretty low key Saturday. The kind where the only time I left my apartment was to do laundry. Hell, I didn’t even have a beer on Saturday. Which probably makes me about as interesting as the average Baylor student, save for the fact that I’m ballin’ in Brooklyn.

Which is to say that, while Baylor’s teams have been really good under Scott Drew, I’ve never gotten a sense of team character from them. They never have a kind of flavor outside of “pretty damned good at hoops.” Well, that and “passing familiarity with the NCAA rules regarding recruiting contact.” You know, if you can consider that a team’s character. The rest of the conference’s teams always seem to have a character. Iowa State is that scrappy team that thinks they can beat anyone else in the conference every time they touch the court. K-State has a kind of tough, scrappy mentality that probably had more to do with the Departed Frank Martin than it does Bruce Webber1. Texas tends to2 swagger around the conference like a bunch of gunslingers getting ready for the OK Corral3. We’re the guys who take our mascot’s vaguely sinister smile to heart, laughing as we pummel our opponents with reckless abandon.

Baylor…doesn’t really have a personality in my mind. They’re the vaguely weird cousin, who just sort of plays solitaire at the family reunion. Maybe he has a sip of beer, maybe he laughs at your uncle-in-law’s off color joke. It isn’t until everyone’s leaving to go back to wherever they came from that you remember he totally invented some microprocessor and has tons of success in business.

But tons of success doesn’t mean much if you’ve got no personality to match it. So, enjoy getting crushed at Allen Fieldhouse. Hopefully, Scott will let you watch the pre-game video this time so you can see what a team with character is like.

Official Name: Baylor University
Derisive Nickname:

Signature Win: It should be pretty obvious, but knocking off Kentucky was pretty huge. Mostly because that was before they sucked.

Key Players: Pierre “Action” Jackson. Dude’s crushing it points-wise, with a staggering 19.2 points per game. That’s insanity! Add to that Austin and Jefferson combing for an additional 28.9 points and you’ve got a legit three-headed scoring hydra. This one’s going to be a pretty good test of our defensive ability. Toupee’s hallmark has always been his defensive coaching, but this one’s going to be interesting. I’m assuming we’ll have Swashbuckler all over Action Jackson, with WITHEY! and Weird Harold Young locking it down on the interior. If we can limit Jackson and effectively shut down at least one of the other two guys, the Bores will be pressed to make up the scoring difference with guys that don’t average more then 9PPG. It’s a pretty obvious strategy, all things considered, but it’s effective.

Keys to Victory: Didn’t I just turn Key Players into Keys to Victory? Shit.

Completely Mathematically Accurate Projection (Backed Up By Science)4: Baylor 72, Kansas 81



1 – It’ll be interesting to see how the team morphs under Webber. Right now, it’s still Martin’s guys and they still play like that. Will the Wildcats turn into the grindiest of grinderman teams in the conference once we’ve cycled through all of Webber’s kids? Time will tell, but there’s the potential for K-State to become the new Nebraska in the Big XII X XII, except they’ll probably be good. Back

2 – This year being the notable exception, obviously. Back

3 – See Durant, Kevin. Back

4 – Exactly like that, but the opposite. Back

Big XII Preview, Part 2 – …Spit On Them From Such a Lofty Perch by longdistancejayhawk

Welcome to part two of my mega-conference preview. In the previous installment, I knocked out all the teams that are going to be in the cellar of the Big XII X XII, covering each of them with analysis that ranged from “somewhat informed” to “has TCU been on TV in the tri-state area?” I want to assure you that, I go out of my way to watch as much pre-conference Big XII X XII games as possible before writing this column. Just know that, thanks to the apparent lack of interest in Horned Frogs basketball in and around Brooklyn1, I couldn’t get around to it. Enough preamble! Let’s get down to the dirty business of ranking the top of the conference.

This is part two. This is a lazy way of differentiating.

This is part two. This is a lazy way of differentiating.

I have serious doubts that spitting on your opponents from the heights of the Big XII X XII season standings would in any way satiate their hunger. I know that. Let’s not get tied up in semantics or calling out the fact that I just wanted to make a reference to a Jucifer record2. You know, that and I wanted there to be a connection between the two3. So, with that out of the way, let’s get down to a little recap of what happened in the first 3,500-word monster of this bad boy.


  1. ?
  2. ??
  3. ???
  4. ????
  5. ?????4
  6. Iowa State
  7. West Virginia
  8. TCU
  9. Oklahoma
  10. Texas Tech

That’s a motley crew, to be sure. Looking back on it, I’m starting to second guess my Iowa State at sixth pick. That’s probably good enough to make the tourney, but there’s no garauntees. It’s probably going to come back to bite me in the ass, just as a certain team that is conspicuously absent from the garbage crew of the league is probably going to come back to bite me in the ass. Look, I’m no professional, here. Get off my back! I just go with what I think, feel, and, in some cases, a gut feeling based on prior history.

So, who’s going to take home the regular season crown? Who will challenge them for that spot? Will Toupee have enough caustic remarks to make it through the season? Only time will tell. But in the meantime, I can ramble about things that will probably not come true.

#5 – Baylor Bears

Non-Conference Record: 8-4
Projected Conference Record: 10-8
Projected Total:

Ranked Game Record: 1-1 (9 point win over Kentucky, 7 point loss to Gonzaga5)
Baller Wins:
A nine point beating of Kentucky6
Brutal Losses:
Losing by four to a Northwestern team that’ll probably be 8th or worse in the B1G Ten.

Brady Heslip has a weird concept of corrective lenses, people. That said, he's probably going to drive you batty this season.

Brady Heslip has a weird concept of corrective lenses, people. That said, he’s probably going to drive you batty this season.

Baylor, like a certain other school in the Republic of Texas, is some kind of tease. When you think they’re going to be good, they’re crap. When you think they’re overrated, they rip off a shit ton of wins, beat you in the Big XII X XII tournament, and push their way to an Elite Eight berth against eventual Champ Kentucky. That was a pretty solid showing for a team that I worried had no guard to feed Quincy Acy or Perry Jones III. I was totally convinced that the hole left by LaceDarius Dunn would kill them.

And I was wrong7. Which is why I’m going to give Baylor some credit here. Last year, they didn’t lose a game until conference play, where they fell victim to the rest of the teams at the top of the conference (twice to God’s Team and Missouri, once each to K-State and Iowa State). Six loses on the season isn’t a terrible record. So, while I’m willing to go ahead and give them the benefit of the doubt in terms of finish, I think they’re going to suffer a few more losses on the year. One big thing is that I still don’t trust Brady Heslip to be the voice of veteran leadership on a team that features a ton of young guys. Yes, the young guys are playing well, but Scott Drew isn’t quite Calipari when it comes to trusting him with roster stocked with green players. At some point, this team’s youth is going to catch up to it. Especially when you look at the rest of the league8, where teams are trending towards being deep with experience as well as cohesive basketball. Assuming that there are no recruiting violations or NBA defections, Baylor might be coming back. Consider this season a teaser trailer for that time.

Actually, you could probably consider that Kentucky game a teaser trailer for that time. As with the next squad on the list, I’m basing some of what I think they’re going to do on a game where they seemed to be clicking after some early season missteps.

#4 – Texas Longhorns

Non-Conference Record: 8-5
Projected Conference Record: 11-7
Projected Total:

Ranked Game Record: 1-2 (18 point domination of UNC, 23 point implosion to Georgetown9 and an 11 point loss to Michigan State)
Baller Wins:
A complete desruction of a UNC team ranked #23 at the time
Brutal Losses:
A UCLA team in perpetual turmoil is kind of embarassing, but that’s nothing compared to losing to Chaminade in the Maui Invitational. First off, they host the thing as a D-II school, so they’re more of a symbolic game than a legit game. Second, Sith Lord should be embarassed about the fact that TCU beat a D-III school while his squad got dropped by thir-fucking-teen to Chaminade. I mean, christ, their nickname is the goddamned Swords. Not Sword Wielding Knights or the William Wallace’s Swingin’ Bastard Swords. Just inanimate swords. They could be sitting on a table for all we know. Whatever the case, YOU SHOULDN’T BE LOSING TO CHAMINADE, BARNES!

…Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand here it is! The boldest of bold picks! I seriously think the Longhorns can do this! They can grab fourth place in this top-heavy league10 based on attrition and my inability to stop picking Rick Barnes to succeed. I don’t know what it is about me and this guy. I can’t help myself. Every time the Longhorns make the tournament, I pick them to make a Sweet Sixteen, and weep openly as they tank my bracket in the first round. It’s just the way this shit goes.

What the fuck ref, the force is strong with me! What? My dead eyes? Just a part of the force, brother.

What the fuck ref, the force is strong with me! What? My dead eyes? Just a part of the force, brother.

But enough about the past. Let’s talk about the very near future. I’ve watched two Longhorns games this season. One of them was the above mentioned Georgetown game where the ‘Horns played like garbage, getting crushed by Georgetown’s size. By the end of that one, they looked like a completely demoralized squad. The other game I watched was the annual Benedict Roy thrashing at the hands of Sith Lord. I don’t know what it is about Roy now that he’s at Carolina11, but he seems to have a hard tim beating Barnes recently. More importantly, though, is that the ‘Horns actually looked good in that game, taking on a UNC team that might not be that great. The thing was Texas actually looked like they knew what was going on, instead of the outsized and outmatched team that got killed by Georgetown. They looked like they were getting it.

That’s what I’m basing this pick on, that Sith Lord’s guys are getting it. It’s a hunch which could seriously kill my credibility, but I don’t care. It’s just how I feel. Part of it might be that I want to try and find a legitimate rival for the departed Missouri. Another part of it is that I believe that, by picking the Longhorns to place here as well as possibly have a solid showing the conference tournament, they might manage to squeak into the tournament with a mid-seed. And I can finally exact my revenge by accurately estimating their ability and look like a goddamned genius when I pick them to get bounced in the first round.

No, I’m not making this pick with emotion. Not at all12.

#3 – Kansas State Wildcats

Non-Conference Record: 11-2
Projected Conference Record: 11-7
Projected Total:

Ranked Game Record: 1-2 (6 points over Florida, 14 point loss to Michigan and 16 down to Gonzaga13)
Baller Wins:
A convincing showing against Florida14
Brutal Losses:
Either the 14 point rout by Michigan or the 16 point killing by Gonzaga, take your pick

Do you have the time, to watch me hoop?

Do you have the time, to watch me hoop?

Kansas State perpetually lives in the shadow of their goliath cousin to the east. I’ve said it about a million times now, but I honestly never felt nearly the same virtiol towards K-State that I did towards Missouri. In fact, the only time I ever got worked up about them or their town that reeks strongly of manure was when we actually face them. Outside of that, I couldn’t give a shit. Whereas Missouri…I would cross the street to whisper “Rock Chalk” in the ear of someone wearing a Missouri shirt. Then, scream “NEVER GRADUATE!” as they stood there, dumbfounded. With the Wildcats, I actually want them to succeed in the same way an older brother is proud of their little sibling following in their footsteps. You know, as long as they don’t beat us or anything. Throw on top of that the fact that Frank Martin broke the hears of the Wildcats everywhere, only to be replaced by Bruce Webber and I’m kind or rooting for them. Not to win more games than us. But you know, make the tourney, good showing. That sort of thing.

I’ve watched bits and pieces of their games so far this season and I like what they’re doing. McGruder is still there and he actually freightens me as a player. I know he’s the kind of guy that’s going to get up for conference games, probably pushing his current season average of 13.7 closer to the 15 mark. He’s just a good player that’s never in the conversation of great players, that I hear anyway. I’m also amped to see what Billie Joe Rodriguez does this season15. I love that kid! He’s one of those kids that plays like he’s eight feet tall and I love his scrappy style of play. Throw in the fact that they’re returning fucking Spradling and Henriquez and this team could surprise a lot of people. Though not me. Since they’re totally coming in third in the conference.

#2 – Oklahoma State Cowboys

Non-Conference Record: 10-2
Projected Conference Record: 15-3
Projected Total:

Ranked Game Record: 1-0 (20 point blasting of that really good NC State squad, a 1 point edging by Gonzaga)
Baller Wins:
The Cowboys embarassed a very good NC State Wolfpack, besting them by 20 and limiting C.J. Leslie, Lorenzo Brown, and Richard “Thurston” Howell to a combined 14
Brutal Losses:
The Cowboys lost by ten to Virginia Tech. Virginia Tech barely understands basketball and besides, they’re mascot is like a toothless hillbilly version of the Hoosiers

Oklahoma State. What’s there to say about them that hasn’t already been said? Don’t worry, I’m sure I can figure something out. I was so, so hoping that they would fall off somewhat with the departure of Keiton fucking Page16. I’m tired of this team ever being good since they have Toupee’s number. With the Big XII X XII down to ten, we have to play them at Gallagher-Iba, where Toupee has a seriously sketchy track record. Seriously. I wanted them to be a one-note song with Le’Bryan Nash and nothing else to hang their hat on.

Then, they have to go and rack up a 10-2 record coming into conference play. Ugh. I hate having to admit they’re good at all, since that means admitting that, best case scenario, we’re splitting our series with them this year. Good job, universe, you got me. Now that the melodrama’s out of the way, I love that OSU’s not just competitive, but ranked at this point in the season. I love what I’ve seen of not just Nash, but most of the team. They play with a team mentality that, even in the loss to the Zags, showed they’re ready to compete right now. Throw in the fact that Travis Ford is a good coach and seems to be a decent human being, and you’ve got a contender, a team that could challenge us for the regular season title. Not, of course, that it’s actually going to happen. Just that they could do it.

You really can't hate on a dude who does this to announce his college pick. Especially when you consider Nerlens Noel's shaved head business.

You really can’t hate on a dude who does this to announce his college pick. Especially when you consider Nerlens Noel’s shaved head business.

#1 – Kansas Jayhawks

Non-Conference Record: 11-1
Projected Conference Record: 16-2
Projected Total:

Ranked Game Record: 1-1 (barely lost to Michigan State, controlled Ohio State and got an 8 point dubbya)
Baller Wins:
A truly spectacular performance on the road against Ohio State
Brutal Losses:
There’s only one, so it’s got to be Tom fucking Izzo’s Michigan State

You should never bet against one of the best coaches out there, especially when he spends his off season crushing HRs in celebrity softball.

You should never bet against one of the best coaches out there, especially when he spends his off season crushing HRs in celebrity softball.

We’re good and we’re good to win at least a share of our ninth straight Big XII X XII title17. Fuck that we’re really good. There’s the obvious concern that we might be peaking early. I get that. But I don’t think this team is in danger of peaking early. Our roster is stocked with veteran leaders, a POY-caliber freshman, and a bench full of dudes who could start at a slew of other schools. We’re playing better than I’ve seen us play, game in, game out, than I’ve seen us play in years. Last year, we made it to the title game on sheer will and determination. This year’s squad is better than that. We play with a ruthless, destructive style that will be hard to top in the conference. No one has that same beautiful mixture of talent and experience to hold a candle to us.

That’s not to say we won’t drop two game. I’m feeling an Oklahoma State loss and maybe a Texas loss. That’s all I see happening to us this season. I can assure that this isn’t just my usual cockiness shining through. This is a firm belief that we’re playing the best basketball in our conference, maybe in the country, right now. I’m sure if you’ve read this far, you’re a Jayhawk fan, so this shouldn’t be a shock to you. Let me assure you one more time: I’m not saying this because I believe we can’t lose out of blind loyalty to KU. This is a firm belief that we’re the best in the Big XII X XII.

Allow me a minute to share an anecdote. On NYE, Alex and I went to our friends’ house out in Queens for a little dinner party. One of the guys there was a pretty knowledgable NCAA basketball fan. While he went to UConn, he told me about how a friend of his came from a pretty serious Jayhawk family. While he was telling me the story, he kept saying “I seriously only pick against Kansas early because it pisses my friend off. I pretty much assume Bill Self is never going to lose.” If even a Huskies fan can admit that Bill Self is a fucking titan, it should be readily apparent that you should never bet against the man. Let alone bet against him when he’s got a team as stacked, top to bottom, as the team we’re running this year.

I’m predicting yet another trophy in our trophy case. And there are few things finer than that in basketball.


Phew. That was a long one. Longer than the first installment. No less accurate, though. If you take issue with anything I said here, feel free to let me know, either in the comments or via Twitter or something. I welcome all criticism.

Also, shout out to Rock Chalk Talk for re-tweeting me yesterday. That was pretty awesome on their part.



1 – I don’t even know if they have a game I could go dig up on WatchESPN.com. I firmly believe basketball is something that has to be seen to truly grasp what happened in a game (since some games look close on paper, but are really just blowouts drawn closer by extended bench minutes). That said, I looked at their results. They can barely buy a basket and when faced with God’s Team, let alone Oklahoma State or Baylor, I just don’t think they’re going to be able to hang. Back

2 – I swear I’ve used the “if thine enemy hunger” line before. I double-checked via a Google “site:longdistancejayhawk.com” search and couldn’t find anything. If I’m recycling, I’m sorry. If you’re new here and don’t know what I’m talking about, I never, ever recycle a goddamned thing. What is this? Amateur hour? Back

3 – Much like the way I used a line from “Shady Lane” by Pavement to connect the preview and recap of Georgetown in the Maui Invitational last season. Between Pavement and Jucifer, I’m guessing my eclectic taste in music is on full display right now. Back

4 – WordPress, for all it’s greatness and funcationality, will not, under any circumstances, let you change the starting number for a list. Or make it count backwards from a formatting perspective, it made more sense to have a shit ton of ?s where the eventual teams will be placed. Back

5 – Can anyone else think of an instance where one team not only played a majority of another conference’s teams and then managed to own them as much as Gonzaga seems to be doing to the Big XII X XII this season? Back

6 – Which might not be as baller as we thought it was coming into the season. Not that Kentucky’s bad, per se. Just that, given their struggles on the season thus far and the fact that even the voters can’t give Calipari the default vote these days, they might not be all that great. Of course, byt tournament time, they’ll probably be a one seed and everyone’s pick to win it all. Back

7 – Which should probably give you some level of pause when it comes to me, or really anyone, trying to tell you what’s going to happen in any sports situation. We’re all making it up as we go along. Back

8 – Except maybe for the team that’s coming up immediately after them. I have irrational faith in Sith Lord and…I’ll be honest…I just miss Missouri and I want the default rivalry to mean something rather than us just straight up smoking the Longhorns. Okay, now you know who I’ve locked in at fourth. Fuck me, I’m already regretting this. Back

9 – Did I mention that I actually went to this game? It was the Jimmy V Classic at MSG. A bunch of my ex-pat Jayhawks and I wanted to see some live college ball and the games were actually pretty entertaining on the whole. The UConn/NC State game was fun because both teams are pretty good, especially NC State with C.J. Leslie, Thurston Howell, and Lorenzo Brown, and they both seemed hell bent on winning the game. NC State was most impressive since at least two of those guys looked Association ready during the game (specifically Leslie, who had this crazy fastbreak moment where he faked a defender with a split second shoulder shrug because his face was a stone cold mask). The Georgetown/Texas game was interesting because Georgetown looked like world beaters and Texas look like total shit. I’ve seen a couple other Texas games so far this year and I don’t think they’re as bad as that game would have you believe. But they’re not great either. It seems like their biggest problem is that they don’t have any idea what to do on offense and spend most of the time trying to figure out if anyone’s actually tall enough to take the ball inside. I think they’d have been a damn sight better with Myck Kabongo back in their lineup that night. As it is, they looked like a talented team that couldn’t execute their way out of a wet paper sack. Back

10 – Which admittedly lacks a certain level of star talent from top to bottom. I feel like most years, we have a bunch of guys that excite for their clear NBA-caliber talent (Durant, Griffen, and, recently, Royce White) as well as guys that are fun to watch, even as they’re torching our guys (Keiton fucking Paige, anyone?). This year, there are plenty of guys I enjoy watching, but I don’t feel the same level of wattage coming off the conference as in previous years. Back

11 – I did a little research on the subject (two caveats: 1.) I did all the math myself, so that could be off; 2.) some of the data came from Wikipedia, so take it with a grain of salt) to see whether Rick Barnes’ Texas squads own Williams’ Carolina squads or if Barnes just owns Williams. During their on-going series, Carolina is 1-3 against the Longhorns. The question then is: how did the Williams Jayhawks squads fare against Barnes’ Longhorns? I looked through results from 1998 (Barnes’ first UT year) and 2003 (William’s last KU year) and I found that we 4-1 against them during the overlap in tenures. So, kind of the opposite of what’s happened with the Texas/Carolina series in the last four years. I’m going to run with the argument that Barnes is a good coach and not just incredibly lucky against the Tar Heels. Back

12 – In all seriousness I believe that Texas is better than their record and better than the shitastic showing at MSG. In fact, what I’m actually envisioning here is Sith Lord managing to get his team to play passable, competent basketball that’s just good enough to win all the games he should win, plus stealing a couple he shouldn’t, based on the chemistry that develops with his squad. As much as I want to see Kabaongo come back, it wouldn’t surprise me if, feeling fan pressure to get him on the floor post-suspension, Barnes rushed him back into the line up, where they go .500 through the last part of the season. They’ll gel just enough with Kabongo to make a decent showing in the conference tourney before all the disjointedness catches up to them in the first round against a fired up mid-major. Fuck…now that I’m writing this, I’m starting to think this is what I should have said about the Longhorns. Whatever. What’s done cannot be undone. Moving along… Back

13 – Oh. My. God. Mark Few’s team has a vendetta against our conference. Avoid at all costs! AVOID AT ALL COSTS! Back

14 – Unpopular opinion alert. I seriously hate Billy Donovan. I think he’s the most overrated coach out there. Throw in the fact that he’s grossly overpaid, especially when you consider that he won two consecutive titles…then didn’t make it back to the tournament. I honestly don’t think there’s anything special about the guy, in much the same way I don’t think Gary Williams is an incredible coach. It’s just my prerogative. Back

15 – That’s Angel, in case you were wondering. He looks so much like Billie Joe Armstrong from Green Day, that I just can’t help calling him that all the time. I thought he was great his freshman campaign, so I can only imagine he’s getting better this season. Back

16 – Speaking of whom…did anyone else watch the Gonzaga game? I watched the first half and the announcers kept talking about Page. Not about his legacy. About what he’d said that day. I’m sure he works for the school now. It’s the least they can do for their leading scorer. Though, I didn’t hear what the context for talking to him was. I kept imaging him like J.O. Incandenza in Infiite Jest when he becomes the wraith that haunts Gately, but more like a wraith haunting the hallways of Stillwater’s basketball facilities. Back

17 – Just so you know, when I do these bad boys, I actually go to the trouble of picking what I think will happen in each of the games played in the conference. There’s a whole spreadsheet and everything. When I was picking all the games, I seriously contemplated a whether or not to have us tie with Oklahoma State. I may or may not have redone my predictions a couple fo times just to see if I could bring myself to do it. Ultimately, I couldn’t. However, if you’re interested in how I got to the numbers I got to, this is the spreadsheet: Conference Predictions 2012-13. It should be noted, when I built the spreadsheet originally, Missouri and Texas A&M were still in the conference, hence the mismatched colors and out of alphabetical order of the team names. Back

Big XII Preview, Part 1 – If Thine Enemy Hunger… by longdistancejayhawk
Out with the old patsies and in with the new.

Out with the old patsies and in with the new.

A new year dawns and we’re finally getting to the part of the season where games start to me so, so much more.

We’ve been dealing with crap matchups, terrible non-conference games, and just a general lack of urgency on the part of anyone playing ball for too long now. That’s not to say that people aren’t interested in college hoops1. No people still care before conference play. It just isn’t quite the same. There’s something about remembering particular players and teams that have given your team trouble. It’s even more rewarding to beat a team that’s given you fits. For instance, was there a game that meant more to God’s Faithful than the Missouri game at the Fieldhouse last season?

My point exactly.

Even taking on Ohio State for a second round in the tournament, this time with Sullinger playing and a trip to the title game on the line, didn’t have quite the release of beating Missouri and in such spectacular fashion. There’s really no substitute for the thrill of conference play. In honor of our conference season beginning this Saturday, I’m dedicating two days to previewing the Big XII X XII, breaking down all the teams, from worst to first, as I try to see the future. As with most things, I’m going to be totally right, so if you’re looking for easy money with your bookie, feel free to use this as a guide.

Before we get into the meats of these potatoes2, let’s take a look at where the various constituents of our hallowed conference sit3.

STANDINGS AT THE END OF THE NON-CONFERENCE (tklastthreegamesstandings)

  1. Kansas (11-1)
  2. Kansas State (11-2)
  3. Oklahoma State (10-2)
  4. Iowa State (10-3)
  5. Oklahoma (9-3)
  6. TCU (9-4)
  7. Baylor (8-4)
  8. Texas Tech (7-4)
  9. Texas (8-5)
  10. West Virginia (7-5)

Yep, that’s right. We’re at the top, as it should be. A couple of thoughts on this list before I break it down. TCU is way too high. They barely score and they haven’t played anyone of note (more in a bit), so #6 in the conference is not at all sustainable for the Horned Frogs. Texas seems pretty low, which I don’t expect to last. Though, I also don’t think Texas is that good from a chemistry standpoint. Talented, sure, but they don’t seem to work well together (more on that later as well). Finally, West Virginia…what the fuck? You were supposed to give us a challenge, not suck shit in the cellar of the conference. Step up your game!

Alrighty, let’s get down to business. Again, these are all the important details about each team and how many conference games I think they’re going to win. Keep in mind, this is in reverse order. Today’s post counts down teams ten to six. Keep an eye out tomorrow for the rest of the conference.

#10 – Texas Tech Red Raiders

Non-Conference Record: 6-4
Projected Conference Record: 3-15
Projected Total: 

Ranked Game Record: 0-0
Baller Wins: 
Florida A&M sets the tone for them going into conference play; unfortunately, it’s actually the opposite tone for a still hopeless Red Raider squad
Brutal Losses: 
Probably a 15 point loss to Arizona State. I don’t know how many more ways I can say it: no one short of the worst of the worst should be losing to the Pac-12

Bobby Knight (en), coach of the Texas Tech Red...

Bad news, Tech fans. The General’s not coming back to save your garbage program.

Texas Tech is currently sitting at the eighth spot on the non-conference record. That seems a little ambitious for the perennially bad Red Raiders. Ever since the General used his grandson to announce his retirement, Texas Tech has been awful. First, they suffered through the Pat Knight era and now they’re being coached by Chris Walker, after the Billy Gillespie era ended in Hindenberg-esque fashion4. There’s no way that they manage to win many conference games. For one thing, they’ve completely overhauled their roster. I’m not saying Walker’s a good or bad coach, but he’s not John Calipari here. It would be unreasonable to expect him to coach an almost entirely new squad of players to a slew of conference victories. Especially when the conference is so top heavy. I just think there’s been too much turmoil at the program to turn it around in, what? Six weeks since Gillespie resigned?

For further proof that the Red Raiders aren’t going to be much of a factor in the conference, look at their record and how they got it. They’re just one game over .500 right now and they haven’t beaten anyone of note. Add to that the fact that they’ve dropped games to McNeese State, a mediocre Arizona State, and a exceptionally meh Alabama and you’re left with a very uninspiring entry into the meat of the season. If you’re down in Lubbock hoping for something to distract you from the fact you live in Lubbock, basketball isn’t it this season.

Might I suggest drinking or fly fishing?

#9 – Oklahoma Sooners

Non-Conference Record: 9-3
Projected Conference Record: 4-14
Projected Total: 

Ranked Game Record: 0-1 (a 72-47 blasting by Gonzaga)
Baller Wins: 
It must be heartening that they were able to beat the Mountaineers once outside of conference play. Perhaps there’s a team worse than the Sooners in the Big XII X XII…you know, that isn’t TCU…
Brutal Losses: 
From a points perspective, that loss to Gonzaga must have sucked; from a pure embarrassing standpoint, definitely losing to SFA

Don't expect big things from this Sooners squad. Kruger will tyrn things around. But not this year. And probably not next year either. But some year, yes...yes, he will.

Don’t expect big things from this Sooners squad. Kruger will turn things around. But not this year. And probably not next year either. But some year, yes…yes, he will.

This is the first of two bold opinion alerts that will happen over the course of my Big XII X XII previews: I don’t think Oklahoma is that good. I know they’re sitting pretty high at 9-3, good enough for fifth place in the conference. I see that. I’m not stupid, so lay off me. I’ve seen maybe one total game of the Sooners this season, broken over a couple of different actual games, and I saw absolutely nothing to inspire confidence in their ability to win a ton of games. I can testify that their fans certainly don’t see much to be excited about either as the Sooners are constantly playing to an empty Lloyd Noble. Which is sad because that team has been good as recent as four years ago.

Here’s the thing about almost all of their wins coming into conference play: they’re not quality. First off, almost all of the wins were barely there wins. Oklahoma, for instance, has only beaten three teams by more than ten points5. Let me recap for those in the back, that means that six of their nine wins have been by ten or less. Against teams that shouldn’t be keeping it that close. Look, I get it. There are times when you just can’t seem to shake another team or they’re better than you expected6.The problem I’m seeing is that this is happening too often for the Sooners to be a legit contender. Expect them to lose both games to at least four , possibly five conference teams (Kansas, Oklahoma State, Iowa State, Baylor, Kansas State) and split the rest of their series.

Again, this is a bold prediction. I’m willing to go down with this ship because I think the Sooners are pretenders.

#8 – Texas Christian Horned Frogs

Non-Conference Record: 9-4
Projected Conference Record: 5-13
Projected Total: 

Ranked Game Record: 0-0
Baller Wins Largest Margin of Victory: 
A total blasting of Centenary, which is D-III. Look, TCU looks so bad that any time they can basically double anyone’s score is probably a victory for them
Brutal Losses: 
An absolute shellacking at the hands of the Big XII X XII-killer Northwestern

Somehow this thing manages to be both adorable and absolutely disturbing at the same time.

Somehow this thing manages to be both adorable and absolutely disturbing at the same time.

Where the hell did TCU come from7? I have yet to see this team on TV and suspect that I’m only going to get a chance to see them when they finally play God’s Team. So, I’m basing pretty much everything I’m about to say on looking at stat lines and making educated guesses. This team seems to struggle to score. They actually have victories where they didn’t break 50 points (44-39 over Prairie View A&M, 47-45 Navy) while doing the same in three of their four losses. That’s not what you want to see from your team, especially going into conference play where you’re going to have to contend with Kansas or Oklahoma State. If you’re having trouble hanging points on Navy, you’ve got a huge problem.

I’m sure you’re asking yourself, “If they’re so bad, why are they eighth in the league?” That’s an excellent question, glad you asked. In their last couple of games, they’ve shown improvement, scoring over 60 in their last three. If you add the fact that they seem to be winning close games, it might be a sign that they’re just a stout defensive grinderman team. Which is boring as fuck to watch, but could result in a few upsets around the conference. In any event, I highly doubt these higher scoring lines are a complete turnaround, but it does bode well for them being able to actually hang with some of the mid-table teams in the conference. I’m not expecting this team to set the Big XII X XII on fire this season. Not by a long shot.

#7 – West Virginia Mountaineers

Non-Conference Record: 7-5
Projected Conference Record: 6-12
Projected Total: 

Ranked Game Record: 0-2 (34 point slaughter by the Zags8, a 15 point drubbing by the Wolverines)
Baller Wins: 
In a total absence of anything resembling a quality win, I guess I’ll go with the Marist game, where Huggy Bear’s squad shover their collective feet up the Ginger Foxes’ asses and walked them around like boots
Brutal Losses: 
Quite a few to choose from, but I’m feeling like losing to the Duquesne Dukes was pretty rough since they’re a marginal NIT team this season

In the most fitting recruiting of all time, Deniz Kilicli looks almost exactly like the dude who dresses as a mountaineer for WVU.

In the most fitting recruiting of all time, Deniz Kilicli looks almost exactly like the dude who dresses as a mountaineer for WVU.

Didn’t I say that I had two bold predictions coming over the course of this two-parter? It might actually end up being three, if you want to count the fact that I’m feeling good on West Virginia leapfrogging up three spots from their final non-conference spot into the seventh seat at the table. To start the season, the Mountaineers have been pretty horrific. They lined up a tough non-conference schedule, taking on #3 Michigan and #13 Gonzaga…and losing both. Those are acceptable loses, as is the Davidson one. But losing to Oklahoma? I don’t know, that seems kind of bush league.

So, what makes me thing they’re going to turn it around come conference time? Two words: Huggy. Bear. I’m not anything approaching a Bob Huggins fan9. I don’t think there’s any way that even a devoid of talent WVU team doesn’t manage to crack off a couple of big wins, finish the season strong, and give their toothless hillbilly fans something to look forward to next year. West Virginia isn’t going to be good. Pretty far from it actually. But they’re definitely going to be better than their soon to be bitter rival, Oklahoma10. All told, I don’t think six wins is unrealistic for them. I think the biggest problem is that too many of their wins are going to come from working the lesser teams in the conference, coupled with the odd upset here and there. All that translates to is an NIT berth, if you’re lucky.

#6 – Iowa State Cyclones

Non-Conference Record: 10-3
Projected Conference Record: 9-9
Projected Total: 

Ranked Game Record: 0-2 (8 point edge by the Cincinnati Bearcats, 12 point loss to UNLV)
Baller Wins: 
Pummeling BYU by 21, while Cougar fans kept wishing Jimmer would return
Brutal Losses: As their only unranked loss, I suppose it’s Iowa

In Year Dos of the Fred Hoiberg Experiment, the Cyclones look to be staying strong. Will they go up or down from last year? Only a few hardwood bloodbaths will answer that question.

In Year Dos of the Fred Hoiberg Experiment, the Cyclones look to be staying strong. Will they go up or down from last year? Only a few hardwood bloodbaths will answer that question.

Oh, Iowa State…you’re the last of the cellar dwellers. Unlike your leg-broken bretheren, mouth breathing and waiting for the sweet release of death11, you’re almost in the hunt. You’re right there, scratching at the door while the big boys get wasted and puke in buckets just on the other side. The side where the lights are on, the food is readily available and people actually know who you are outside of Ames12. Your non-conference record is admirable, if a little disappointing given that you probably could have beaten either UNLV or Cincinatti. Or both. You held your own against these worthy foes, but you didn’t manage to win. And that’s why you’re on the outside looking in.

It also doesn’t help that Royce White left for the greener pastures of the NBA13, leaving you without a star. It isn’t that the rest of the squad is bad, just that you’re missing a crucial piece. But I have faith in Hoiberg to keep you competitive, to keep you always in the conversation of best in the Big XII X XII. And who knows, a solid overall record, .500 in league play, and a solid conference tourney showing might be enough to get you a slot in the Big Dance. It’s not outside of reach for you guys. Keep fighting. Keep playing hard and you might get to come join us in the regular part of the house, rather than cellar.


Well, there you have it, part one of the Big XII X XII preview. Tomorrow, I’ll thrill you with part two. Until that time, I want everyone to know that I actually do know some of the players on the other teams, I just didn’t want to get too specific about the whole thing14.



1 – If I’m any indication, as well as the people who read this blog, enthusiasm is at a pretty high level already. But like most things, it could be better. It could matter for more than just a win to pad your resume. It could matter because you hate those shit bags from Norman. It could matter because Royce “Cray-Cray” White may be gone, but Iowa State still beat us at Ames and I’m still pissed about it. It could matter because all of these teams have history, demons, and ghosts surrounding previous games, previous vintages. This is when the war comes home, when these aren’t just fun games where you drop 40 on another team while seeing who can do the most hand-behind-head-BJ pose on a fastbreak dunk. This is when it matters and everyone of these shit bags must pay for having the balls to think they can stop the inexorable march towards a ninth straight Big XII X XII title for God’s Team. Shit…I think you all know who’s coming out on top of this one…or do you? Back

2 – Way better in my head than on paper, but given how much work a massive two-part preview is, there’s no time to turn back now. Onward and upward! Back

3 – You will, undoubtedly notice the addition of TCU and West Virginia. I’d like to welcome both of them to the conference. It’s been nice to see them struggle to score (TCU) or struggle to win (WVU) as we come into conference play. It’s going to be nice to have four extra wins on our resume. Plus, it’ll be nice for K-State to finally have a rival, even if, like us, it’s more of a one-way affair. Back

4 – Everything about that whole situation was fucked. First off, Gillespie managed to get 15 people associated with the program to leave. Then, he was accused of abusing his players by making them practice while injured among other things. Just before he was due to meet with Kirby Hocutt, the TTU AD, he was hospitalized for heart attack symptoms (probably brought on by the stress of the fact that they were probably going to fire him). Eventually, he had to check himself into the Mayo Clinic, at which point, he also resigned from the program permanently. Between him and Mike Leach kicking players in the jerries like he was D-Wade, I’m pretty sure the Red Raiders program is either snakebitten or only attracts psychopants coaches. There’s no in between. Back

5 – If you’re leveling the criticism at KU that we play nothing but chumps in the early going, do me a favor and look at Oklahoma’s pre-conference schedule. Go ahead, the tab will still be here when you come back. Satisfied? Yeah, that’s a pretty strong group of powderpuffs if ever I saw one. Back

6 – The faithful should have no problem conjuring up that actually entertaining, if nailbiting, Kansas tussle with Long Beach “The Beach” State last season. Casper Ware was an incredible player who made that one a fucking game. In case you were wondering, Ware is playing in Italy right now. Which is a shame because I really liked him and was hoping he’d make it to the Association. Back

7 – That’s a rhetorical question. I know they came from the Mountain West after reneging on their planned jump to the Big East. I’m more curious about where TCU managed to find a team that, based on their score lines, looks like a 1950s squad. Hey, Horned Frogs, you know you can dribble, right? Back

8 – Gonzaga might just be the Big XII X XII’s kryptonite this season. Based on their track record against our teams, I think we should do everything possible to avoid playing them in the tourney, including setting their bus on fire. You know, just in case. Back

9 – For one thing, he made things interesting at K-State for one year…until he bolted. Then, he’s spent most of his career wearing wind breakers on the sideline. Wind breakers. Who the fuck are you? Paulie Walnuts? I feel like he has to be mildly uncomfortable when he comes out for the pre-game handshake and Toupee’s on the other side wearing a $25,000 suit. Like, where are his wife and kids? Do you think they cringe when they see him out there, coaching these kids while dressed like he’s grabbing his paper in the morning? I know I would be embarrassed. Back

10 – When they first announced that the Mountaineers were coming to our conference, Schuyler and I joked a lot about the idea that now K-State would have a legitimate rival. Then, the more I thought about it, the more I started to think that most Wildcat students aren’t even going to think about it on that level. Maybe I’m alone in my rivalry narrative. Or maybe I’m creating it to try and make K-State fans feel less inferior to the real university of the state of Kansas. Who knows? No matter what, if K-State takes a hatred towards WVU, I can all but guarantee that the Mountaineer fans will not reciprocate (a pretty normal state of things for them). Now, I’m interested in whether or not Oklahoma becomes a conference rival, thanks to a loss at the hands of the Sooners in the Old Spice Classic earlier this year that adds a third game on top of the two in conference matchups. Things could get intriguing if they were to, say, meet up in the Big XII X XII tournament in March as well. Back

11 – You know, or the off season. Back

12 – I think it should be painfully obvious at this point…but the extremely bold prediction I’m making in part 2 is that Texas isn’t nearly as shitastic as they seemed to be earlier this season. It’s definitely hard to put them in the top five, but I did. Either one of two things is happening: 1.) I’m right and they’re better than they look; 2.) Sith Lord has pulled me in again with his…I don’t know, dark magic? It certainly isn’t charm that gets me to back him so often and irrationally. Back

13 – And has been trying his best to set said pastures on fire. Back

14 – Or not. I mean, 3,000+ words…about the conference…and I’m not even done. Anyway, here’s a short list of enemies I’m excited/terrified to face, either because they’re good or because they’re the kind of person that pisses me right the fuck off: Texas Tech – vaguely remember Jamal Williams…so, actually, no one15; Oklahoma – Steven Pledger, Romero Osby, Jimmy Bo Fraschilla; TCU – not to re-betray your trust in my analysis, but I’d like to reiterate that I haven’t actually seen this team play; West Virginia – Jabarie Hinds, Deniz Kilicli; Iowa State – Korie Lucious, Tyrus McGee. See, I know some of these players. Back

15 – To paraphrase Mr. Show, it’s perfectly understandishable based on the turmoil swirling around that program. Back

The Hunger Game of Thrones – Sweet Sixteen Preview, Part 2 by longdistancejayhawk

Winter is coming. Okay, that's not totally true since we kind of have to get through spring and summer first. But, winter is coming. It's an omen, a way of saying everyone's fucked. For the 16 teams still alive, it's a sign that fifteen of you won't be taking the throne.

Some how I went through the entire intro to the last piece discussing The Hunger Games without saying the word “tribute.” I’m not sure why that happened other than, in my mad rush to try and pack as many tenuous analogies between the tournament and the series, I overlooked the most obvious reference that I could make. Maybe it’s because I’m watching Game of Thrones on HBOGo to try and figure out what all the fuss is about1. That’s actually a little conservative. I’m kind of obsessed with the show. It makes me laugh sometimes, it makes me think, but most of all, it makes me try and remember a whole bunch of characters and their interpersonal relationships. Also, I’m fascinated by the Dothraki because they seem to be the most bizarrely realized group in the series. They characterized as being this exotic, brutish force that is afraid of water for some reason. Well, water and gentle, caressing sex2. It’s like they’re as hyper masculine as you can possibly be. Of course, if I lived in a hellish desert continent, separated from the rest of Westeros by my supreme hatred for water, I’d probably only find fun in aggressive sex. It’s probably why Dave Navarro looks so sour all the time.

And yet, I really can’t stop watching the show. It’s a testament to HBO that they’re so willing to pump so much money into their shows. Even when they’re not well acted (GoT is on the better acted side, though there are a few cast members who are…let’s just say not graduates of Julliard), they’re still so epic in scope that you get sucked in. Honestly, that’s the only reason I kept watching Big Love after the first season. The story lines were so intricatly fascinating (and ultimately ludicrous to the point where I did eventually give up on the show), that I kind if ignored the fact that some of the actors were basically wooden boards and, more specifically, ill-fitted to their role in the show. Other than Harry Dean Stanton who I’d watched butcher his way through a Romanian phone book if someone put on DVD3.

So, now that I’ve managed to prattle on about Game of Thrones, let’s get down to the real game of thrones in this second installment of my Sweet Sixteen preview. If you missed the first part or just want to relieve the glory days of my stretched Hunger Games analogy, click here. Otherwise, buckle up because it’s time to get Sweet Sixteen’d all up in your grill!


Like the first two brackets I previewed, the South regional is pretty ho-hum. There’s a double-digit seed, Xavier, and that’s about the only surprise from a seeding standpoint. Well, other than the fact that Duke got knocked out in the first round. But that’s old news. This quad is definitely the least interesting to me. Everyone’s been saying “Oh, the tournament is Kentucky’s to lose” and, while there’s some truth to that, I don’t think I’m going to be inking their name on the Champions line, let alone penciling it. The tournament is to chaotic for me to buy into the inevitability of Kentucky taking home the hardware. That said, I don’t think any of the remain teams have a more than 5% chance of blocking Kentucky from making a second consecutive Final Four appearance. So, with that in mind, let’s break down the two games in the South regional.

Quincy Acy is pretty fired up here. He has every right to be, as the Bears are on a quest to make the Final Four. Against the Musketeers, I think you're likely to make the Elite Eight. Against Kentucky though?

10 Xavier v. 3 Baylor (Friday 7:15pm, CBS)

Quite a year for the Baylor Bears. They’re going to get a chance to burn the retinas out of middle America and in prime time no less. Scott Drew’s squad is facing off with one of just two true mid-majors in the Sweet Sixteen (we’ll get to Ohio in a bit). I know quite a bit about this year’s Baylor team and I know next to nothing about Xavier. They tend to make the tournament every year and do well, but knowing that doesn’t mean much when you consider the high turnover of college basketball players. So, let’s talk about what I do know: their uniforms. I hate the Xavier uniforms of the last couple of seasons. That giant “X” on the shorts? Tacky. It’s like they didn’t think we got just how proud they are that their school’s name starts with “X.” Hey, guys, wake me up when you become Charles Xavier’s School for Gifted Youngsters. I honestly don’t care about Xavier and really don’t see what difference it makes who wins this game. They’re just going to get cut open from belt to chin and bled out on the hardwood by Kentucky on Sunday. Though, we could be heading for a matchup of epic proportions, one that challenges my distaste for uniforms: Baylor could rock the electric outfits against Xavier’s Xs. Which do I hate more? Probably Baylor’s but I can root for them since they shouldn’t be able to wear them against Kentucky, should they win.

In all seriousness, I think that Baylor’s got the edge here, but that’s only because I’m familiar with their team and I am rooting for the Big XII X over anyone at this point. I think this Bears squad has ability to beat the Musketeers. The main thing about Baylor, and what’s going to kill them against Kentucky, is that they never seem to be able to completely put an opponent away. In the regular season, there was just one game where they blew their opponent out, a completely crazy game against Oklahoma State where Baylor blasted them 106-65. In the tournament, they’ve been playing much more aggressively and dominating much more than they have previously. Which is why I think they’ll take this one.

That said, I think Xavier has a chance to win. The main thing that they need to do is try to get Baylor in a speed race and pile on points early. Since Baylor trends towards grinderman style ball, they’re going to have a hard time digging out of deficit. I know this is like basketball 101, but there are some teams that do not rebound well from getting punched in the mouth at the outset4. Baylor, by not going out of their way to bury opponents all that often, should have a hard time clawing back into the lead. Part of it, I think, is their reliance on interior play and just bruising basketball. If the Musketeers can keep the game up tempo and force the Bears into a shoot out, they could definitely take this one. That’s really the only way I see Xavier making the Elite Eight. However, I’m rooting for my conference in this one.
Winner: Baylor

Anthony Davis' unibrow is the key to Kentucky's success. I bet that most of the agents that are going to beating down his door in a couple of weeks are going to try and get him to wax. Don't do it, Anthony! Hold out for the agent that loves you for your unibrow!

4 Indiana v. 1 Kentucky (Friday 9:45pm, CBS)

Ah, the rematch of Kentucky’s first shaming of the season. I know that the Wildcats are the favorite in this one and there really shouldn’t be any question that they’re going to come out looking for blood, but the part of me that loves a good narrative desperately wants the Hooisers to pull off the upset. Make no mistake, Kentucky is the only team left in the field right now that a loss, for me anyway, would count as an upset5. They’re stacked and while, as I mentioned above, nothing’s assured, they’re certainly one of the most talented and efficient teams left in the field. And, in facing Indiana, they’re rematching with the only team to beat them in the regular season, and one of just two teams (Vanderbilt being the other) to beat them all year. So, yeah, I’m pretty sure Kidd-Gilchrist, Davis, and Jones are all going to be gunning for a rout.

So, what does Indiana have to do to win their second meeting with Kentucky? The same shit they did the last time they played each other. Shoot well, defend well, and above all else, drain three-pointers like there’s no tomorrow. Yes, Wafford’s buzzer beater to win the game was what everyone remembers from that matchup, but look at the stats: the Hoosiers hit 9-15 from beyond the arc, for an impressive 60%. The Wildcats, remembering that, aren’t going to give them easy threes, though. So, they need to spread the floor to try and get open shots on the wing. When that isn’t working, go inside to Cody Zeller. The biggest problem that they’re going to have with Zeller, though, is Davis. So, go strong at him, get him in early foul trouble, and hopefully that will be enough to open up eas buckets. And still, hit those three-pointers. This isn’t going to be easy for Indiana, but definitely doable. Hell, they did it once before.
Winner: Indiana6


And here we are. The best bracket because it contains Kansas. The best bracket because, with Marshall’s injury and the coming Stillman Era of Carolina Hoops, this is the most open quad on the board. The titans of Carolina are looking more like the Titanic with every game they play, as the siding on their ship rips and lets in more and more water. They could manage to win a few more before the ship jackknifes, twists and snaps apart. Winning with that frontcourt, regardless of who’s feeding them the rock is a possibility, but so is them sinking by 10pm on Friday night7. Which leaves the door for this Final Four spot wide open.

Kendall Marshall called the fateful "I'm going to jump, land awkwardly, and totally shitjack my wrist" play. Bet he wishes he could take that one back.

13 Ohio v. 1 North Carolina (Friday 7:47pm, TBS)

Let’s not sugar coat this: Kendall Marshall’s wrist is the only thing that matters in this game. That’s it. That’s all that anyone’s talking about. That’s all that anyone cares about. That’s all that matters, with or without him suiting for the game. If Marshall doesn’t go tomorrow night, then we’re looking at Stillman White and Justin Watts will be running the point. Combined, they’ve managed roughly 11.1 minutes per game, with Watts only running the point twice. That sounds like it’s completely bad news for the Tar Heels. Calm down, mom, it isn’t the end of the world. It isn’t ideal, but don’t start pining for next season just yet. Stillman and Watts could conceivably win the game by doing one thing well: protecting the ball. Between Zeller and the kind-of, sort-of injured Henson, there should be enough post play to rack up some points and if they run more plays with Barnes on the wing and going inside, everything should be fine against Ohio. Again, this is if they protect the ball. Making mistakes and turning it over will completely destroy Carolina, since they will most likely not be forcing a hell of a lot of turnovers without Marshall8. Seriously, though, Carolina should be fine without Marshall at least for this game.

The Tar Heels can probably still make an Elite Eight with or without Marshall. So, does Ohio stand a chance? Yeah, they do, actually. Here’s the thing about game planning, for the Bobcats: it makes no difference if Marshall plays or not, their strategy for defense should be the same. They need to play pressure defense, possibly going for the press on most Carolina possessions and definitely once they drop back into halfcourt. The more pressure they put on Carolina’s guards the better. If it’s White and Watts, they have limited experience so pressure should keep them off balance. Traps should also help, as they’re going to have a hard time breaking them and possibly burn time outs early. If Marshall does take the floor, the strategy should be the same. Keep pressure on Marshall. Force him to play faster and, if you can, force him to use his right hand (he’s left handed). I’m no advocating that they slap his hand or anything here, just that they need to keep as much pressure on the Tar Heel guards as they possibly can. The more disjointed they can keep the guard play, the less likely it is that Barnes and Zeller burn you for 25 apiece. That’s the key for the Bobcats here. All that said, I don’t have any idea if they have the athleticism to keep up a pressure defense for 40 minutes. It’s an all-or-nothing strategy that could either be genius (if they win) or make them look like amateurs (if they lose).
Winner: North Carolina

11 North Carolina State v. 2 Kansas (Friday 10:17pm, TBS)

And here we are: the game that everyone’s been waiting for me to break down. God’s Team taking on a flaming hot Wolfpack squad that hasn’t sniffed a Final Four in about a hundred millennia (or 29 years). NC State has been playing quite well this season, amassing a respectable 24-12 record (including ACC tournament play), which was good for a semis in their conference tourney and fifth place in the ACC regular season. Not too shabby, Wolfpack, not too shabby. But your nice little run in the tournament most likely ends here. I’m not saying that God’s Team will win this matchup, but I am saying that I feel good about our chances9. Here’s the key about the Wolfpack: they have faced solid competition this season but they haven’t been able to get the job done against any of them. Notable among their loses, three to UNC, one to Florida State, and another to Duke. Granted, Duke wasn’t the powerhouse of three-pointer terror they’ve been in the past, but they were a solid team this season. NC State couldn’t beat them. They also lost to Georgia Tech, which I’m pretty sure was dogshit this season. I’m not saying that the Wolfpack are terrible. Nope. I’m just saying that they haven’t impressed with any quality wins this season.

Which is why I’m pretty sure we’re going to be another quality team that beats them. After the come-from-behind, hand-punching-through-the-casket-screaming-“I’m-not-dead-dammit!” Purdue game, I don’t see anyway we come out flat on Friday night. T-Rob quietly got his double-double, but I know his pride is going to get to him. He’s going to want to make this a statement game. On top of that, The Prophet seems to be peaking at just the right time, and Taylor has been better than himself, more or less. I really think that with Johnson on fire, we’ll be able to run a more balanced PG situation. Having Taylor and Johnson alternate is going to throw defenses off, which should give us the ability to get T-Rob better looks on the inside. Additionally, I expect WITHEY! to chip in some points and not ride the bench for most of the game. NC State has a decent inside game with C.J. Leslie, but he won’t be able to stop T-Rob and Master of Puppets for an entire game. So, we need to go inside early and often, which, with the two-point tandem concept, should ultimately open up shots from the outside later in the game.

T-Rob knows what it's like to show your team's colors like a champion. Could he be doing this again on his way to New Orleans? Only time (well, this weekend, actually) will tell.

Look, I’m not handing anything to us here and I never think that victory’s assured until the final buzzer, but I’m feeling good, here. On top of that, I know that with a week to prepare and the sour taste of a discombobulated performance still fresh in their mouths, our guys are going to have something to prove. If history has taught me anything, it’s try not to be nervous for the first game of the weekend. It’s that second one on a quick turnaround that’s always the death trap10. While I’m feeling confident right now, I know that 24 hours from now, I’m going to be an anxious ball of nerves. Nothing can ever stop that. Knowing that my team is going to war for what could be the last time for the next eight months will do that to you. Part of it is that I know that, for Taylor and Robinson, there’s going to be a final game, the last one that they suit up as Jayhawks. Of course, I would love for that last game to be capped with cutting down the nets, but that’s unrealistic. Winning it all is incredibly tough. Making it to the Sweet Sixteen isn’t anything to sneeze at either. One of these games is going to be the last. It’s the though fact of March but also the reason it’s the most entertaining sporting event every year. But let’s not dwell on the Grim Reaper nipping at our heels. Let’s focus on this game and see where we are Saturday morning.



1 – Everyone out there should probably understand that I don’t know any of the characters’ names. I have nicknames for them. I call the leader of the Dothraki Dave Navarro. Tell me that guy doesn’t look like Dave Navarro. Hurry, DVR an episode of Ink Master then when Game of Thrones comes back, flip between the two whenever the Dothraki guy’s on screen and tell me that guy doesn’t look like a less ghoulish Navarro. Also, the king’s son? Yeah, I call him Little Lord Twatleroy or Twat for short. Seriously. I can’t even call Sean Bean’s character Ned, choosing instead to call him Nederick. Apparently, his real name is Edward or something. What’s with George R. R. Martin giving his characters regular names. Nederick is so fantasy it hurts. I guess these thoughts are the reason I call WITHEY! Master of Puppets to an audience of like twenty while Mr. Martin is the jovial, sea captain hat rocking author of a hugely successful book series. Back

I'm not making this up. Look at them!

2 – Sex is something that, so far in Game of Thrones, happens with almost reckless abandon for propriety and/or blood relationships. And Dave Navarro’s marriage to the Baby Dragon Girl is no exception. During the sex scene with the ghostly specter of Navarro’s wife (who, by the way acts like she went to the January Jones School of Acting where they teach you that supreme vacancy and random emotional attachment is the best way to keep viewers interested in your character) I said that it seemed like Dave Navarro was “totally donggrinding” on Baby Dragon Girl and that all she was to him was “a dick cushion.” I’m pretty sure that wasn’t supposed to be the take away from that scene, but, hey, that’s just my opinion. Back

3 – Stanton is one of my all-time favorite “I’ll watch that just because s/he is in it.” There are certain actors and actresses that I’ll watch just about anything they’re in. Others include Ewan McGregor and Kelly Macdonald (both in Trainspotting), Sam Rockwell, and Frances McDormand. Allow me a brief anecdote about Sam Rockwell, if I may: one time, I was talking on the phone to my buddy Charlie. I’d just ripped through a series of Rockwell movies, includeing Choke and Matchstick Men. I mentioned that I would literally watch Sam Rockwell in anything and that my ideal Sam Rockwell movie would be him talking to himself. Charlie said “You’re in luck. There’s a movie called Moon. It’s basically a sci-fi movie with Sam talking to himself.” I’ve seen it and it rules. Back

4 – At the risk of sounding completely homer for Kansas, we’ve done a decent job so far this season of coming back from a shot in the jaw early. Look, I don’t like being the team having to claw our way back into the lead, but it’s better than losing. There’s something to be said for resilience. Being able to never feel like you’re out of it, even when you’re down by ten and Robbie Hummel’s knees seem like they can’t be stopped, you need to never give up. As a fan, I’m guilty of giving up on Sunday. As a team, the Jayhawks did not. And that’s why we’re in the Sweet Sixteen now. Back

5 – I mentioned this yesterday, but I don’t count anything after the second round an upset. The seeds are largely irrelevant after the first two games (mentioned this before, but the First Four is not the first round, regardless of what the NCAA tries to get me to believe). Once you’re in the Sweet Sixteen, I feel like you’ve earned the right to be considered on roughly equal footing with the rest of the teams. Are there teams that are better than others? Yes. But I feel like getting this far means you played well enough to deserve it. Back

6 – I couldn’t help myself. I love the drama. I want to see Calipari try to explain how he lost twice on a season to a team that is physically way less athletic than this year’s Wildcats. Do I honestly think the Hooisers are going to win this one? Not really. But I think Head Coach Dwight Shrute is going to give it his all to try and make that a reality. No matter what happens, I think this will end up being a tight game. Unless the refs decide to go against their previous pro-low-seed stance from last weekend and give everything to Kentucky. Upsets are like servin’ cold cuts, Hoosiers, and you need to serve ’em up hard! Back

7 – This might be a little late, but all times eastern. Yeah, I know that I’m a Jayhawk and all, but I’m writing from Brooklyn. I’m too lazy to subtract an hour from all the times that ESPN autogenerates. Back

8 – It’s worth mentioning that Benedict Williams has said that, regardless of everything, Marshall will not play tomorrow night. In fact, he went on The Mike and Mike Show and, clearly feeling he was being railroaded, slipped into his consternated Southern self for a few seconds:

“If he comes running in here now and says, ‘God, I can play!’ I’ll say, ‘Well, let’s talk about it.’ But he’s in a frickin’ cast. … I cannot give you any answers. I’ve given everybody all the answers I can give, because I have said honestly, I do not know.”

He’s in a frickin’ cast! You sound like you’re screaming off the back of a pick up truck, Roy! Also, I don’t know if Daggum knows this or not, but Marshall’s no long in the cast. Instead, he’s got some kind of splint. Either this is the greatest feint of Williams’ career or “he’s sick and doggone tarr’d of ans’rin’ que-shuns ’bout daggum Murshull.” Back

9 – Please don’t confuse that word with “confident,” “convinced,” or “totally assured that we’re going to win this game without a shred of doubt in my mind.” That’s not what I’m saying at all and I can never underestimate the desire of a team on a roll with a desire to win facing off against a goliath of the basketball world. It happens all the time. So, no, I’m not telling you that expect to be watching us on Sunday. I’m just saying that I feel good. Which is better than I felt about an hour before the Purdue game. Back

10 – I would be lying if I said that I wasn’t nervous about this game. I’m always nervous about games in March. I do want us to win because I still have the hope that we can make it to the Final Four and sort out things from there. That’s a hope I have not because I think we’re the best team this season, but because we’re still in it and anything’s possible. That said, I couldn’t have asked for a more entertaining season from God’s Team. Sure, it wasn’t the dream boat basketball we’re used to, but shit, these guys ended up being fun to watch, for both good and bad reasons. I’m not writing the obituary on the season yet, but everything that happens from here on out is more than I could have hoped for going into the season. That said, I will be screaming at a TV come Friday night, so if you’re randomly in Brooklyn, feel free to come out and join me. Back

Who Wears Short Shorts? by longdistancejayhawk
February 11, 2012, 11:30 am
Filed under: Preview | Tags: , , , , , , ,

Apparently not the 2011-12 KU basketball team, that’s not who. Earlier in the week, KUAthletics.com sent out one of their many emails. Rather than opening it for about two seconds, summarily dismissing whatever official propaganda the AD’s office was spewing, something caught my eye. The banner on this photo teased me with a possibility so ridiculous, so absolutely absurd that I had to keep reading. Yes, my friends, when OSU comes to the Fieldhouse this afternoon, we will be rocking ’52 retro jerseys in honor of the 60th anniversary of the 1952 National Championship.

How can ou turn away from something like that? Look at those short shorts. Look at those dreamboat thighs staring you right in the face, begging you to come closer, take a peek, and, perhaps, give them a little rub down.

Not one to let a good joke sit around without getting a little playing time, I immediately sent the photo around to all of my friends. I mean, how hilarious wold it be to see this year’s vintage running around with those shorts? Would T-Rob have the worst game of his career because his mammoth-sized nuts were hanging out there for all to see1? Would he be awkward about how much of his legs are showing? He is quite the modest man, once you get to know him. And what about WITHEY! Jane pointed out that I might go absolutely bonkers if Jeff were to walk out onto the court showing off his porcelain dreamboat gams. She did not specify whether it would be murderous rage or a goofy amourous insanity on my part. I’m assuming a little of both. In fact, I can just imagine myself up Whiskey Brooklyn this afternoon watching that game and the only thing I can talk about is WITHEY!’s blindingly white legs, begging for one of the announcers to talk about their milky whiteness. The more I’ve thought about the idea of the short shorts, the more I’m convinced that no one on the team would be comfortable wearing them2. Well, no one other than Travis Releford. Let’s be honest here people, The Swashbukler would be comfortable playing basketball in a pair of leopard print briefs and nothing else. And he’d look confident doing it. I mean, Telly’s unflappable.

Alright, enough about the unis, let’s get down to the real bullshit.

After a second double-digit beatdown delivered to his seemingly bored Bears3 team, Scott Drew spent his entire post game press conference repeating an odd word over and over. Sitting there, covered in one of those trauma blankets they give to marathon runners, he rocked back and forth, under his breath, the word “Withey” kept coming in and out. In and out. After ten minutes of befuddle media types standing around staring at the prematurely bald Drew, someone finally spoke up. “Coach,” he said, “It certainly seems like Kansas has the key to beating you consistently this season. What do you plan-” but the interviewer was silenced, a wave of Scott Drew’s hand all the indication he needed to know that the coach would make his one and only statement of the evening, before going back to the locker room and receiving a heavy dose of lithium. Drew hunched forward, taking in the gathered media, “Withey” still hot on his breath, lingering on his lips. He started the reporter in the eye, taking in everything he could about the man’s soul through his rapidly expanding irises before opening his mouth. At first, nothing came out, just a quick, nearly imperceptible gust of wind from the front of the room. An assitant moved towards Drew, a glass of water in hand. When he was close enough, Drew looked to him briefly, confusion on his face, then knocked the glass out of the assistant’s hand. He turned his gaze back to the reporter, cracked a smile, and began. “You want to know what I think?” he said with a laugh:

“I don’t know why Withey likes playing against us so much, but he looks like an All-American when he does.”

If I'd known that this little shit stain from Pawnee would be giving me so much agita 10 years later, I'd have burned down the entire town of Pawnee. Also, how is he still playing? Isn't he my age at this point?

And there you have it ladies and gentlemen. The man of the week is the creamy legged Jeff Withey, a man who, when the season started, prompted only two reactions: extreme jubilation or outright horror. There was no in between4. Lucky for him and for the heart health of Jayhawk Nation, he’s been coming on more and more. The game against Baylor, fingers crossed, is the key to opening up the WITHEY! cabinet of awesomeness. I’m not saying that he has to score 25 a night (though I’d love it if he did), but if he can carry that performance into today’s game against OSU, I think we’ll be in a good spot. OSU is not a good team this year. They’re definitely not the worst in the Big XII X. They’re not very good either. I don’t think that we’ll lose this one, but I wouldn’t count anything out when Toupee squares off with his alma mater5. They’re always a threat with Keiton Page using his 14th year of eligibility6.

That’s the guy that I’m most worried about in today’s game. I think that KU will handle their shit relatively well, probably turn that ball over more than they should, but nothing approaching the 19 that we had against Baylor. OSU’s only weapon this season is Page. This crackerjack three-point machine is the only guy I’m worried about. They have a highly regarded recruit, Le’Bryan Nash, but I don’t think he’s been playing up to his potential. Sure, the Cowboys will be good and I think Travis Ford’s a solid coach. This just isn’t their season. So, without solid guard play for OSU, I think we have the edge there. As long as Taylor and the Prophet can protect the ball and not make dumb turnovers we should be fine. If they don’t, I think Page kills us…like he always does. The main thing is that we need to keep feeding to the inside, now that we have a double threat between T-Rob and WITHEY! The more easy buckets we can get from those two, the better the game will be for us. Again, and I don’t think I can stress this enough…do not turn the ball over. Keiton fucking Page will kill us. In fact, I’m extend the moratorium on turnovers to everyone on the team: Relly, Beast, Bundy, and whoever else gets minutes in the game, DO NOT TURN THE BALL OVER! DON’T! JOHNSON, SHUT IT! NO QUESTIONS, NO EXCUSES! And if you do turn the ball over, just straight up punch Page’s lights out7. Yeah, sure, you’ll get a multi-game suspension, but don’t worry, you’ll get as many jersey chaser as you could ever want. Think about it like the harem in the sky for a suicide bomber8.

So, yeah, I’m pretty confident we’ll win this game, as long as we stick to a feed the inside and overpower the Cowboys strategy, with a few well placed three point daggers from The Swashbuckler and Cool Hand9. With a win today, and a Missouri loss, we’ll move into sole possession of first place in the Big XII X. God, I love that as a possibility. This year’s conference race has been great, with four teams that are all flawed, but impressive in their resilience, vying for the top spot. It hasn’t been this interesting in years and I’m definitely happy that we’ve got a little competition this season, rather than just cakewalking our way to a title. Somehow, if we pull this off and I think there’s a chance we can, I think that would be the most satisfying conference title we’ve had in a while.

Fran Fraschilla posted this bad ass shot of Toupee raining threes at Baylor on Wednesday. William, this might sound crazy, but if Keiton Page can still ball and hasn't expired his eligibility, I think you're golden to suit up for today's game and strike a blow from beyond the arc yourself. You know you want to, buddy.


Justin posted an article from the NYTimes yesterday that I think is hilarious. It seems that people looking to have fall weddings back in God’s State are having a hard time booking their shit. The reason: the Big XII X’s football conference schedule has not been announced yet, and facilities that would usually host a wedding are waiting for word on West Virginia’s move to the conference (good news, looks like the Mountaineers and the shit-scared brass at the Big East have come to a resolution on the exit fee, with WVU coughing up $11 million and the conference covering the remaining $9 million). What’s hilarious to me is that the photo that accompanies the piece is of two Jayhawk lovebirds looking to tie the knot. IT sucks for them because I don’t know what the facilities that they’re looking at are worried about. It isn’t like Kansas has a football team, so I don’t think that they’ll have a problem getting a fall wedding in the beautiful hills of Larry.



1 – And if you’re the enemy, sack tap until The Beast from the East had to hit the locker room to ice them down? Honestly, of all the players on the team to be blessed with Wayne Simien sized grapefruit testicles, I’m guessing T-Rob’s towards the top of that list. Right after Sasha Kahn and about 50 spots above Gravey Boat. Back

2 – A point of fact not lost on the Athletics Department, who finally posted a link to purchase the retro jerseys and shorts. You’ll notice that the shorts are not only the length that our regular Euroleague baller shorts are, but they also more resemble those shorts than the shorts in the photo towards the top of the article. Back

3 – I got around to watching the game the other day and Andrew was right. We did have that one completely in our control, more or less. It wasn’t that Baylor was particularly bad, they just seemed a little listless, a touch bored, maybe? Anyway, it just seems that this squad is perfectly suited to execute Toupee’s Bear repellent game plan. It’s interesting when one team has the better game drawn up against an opponent and is able to pull it off two times. Since this is college and the most you’re going to face a single opponent is three times, basically, it’s hard to win two games. Slight adjustments don’t matter as much, so the fact that we were able to control the game and win by 14 is a testament to how solid of a coaching mind William Self is. Hopefully, that coaching mind doesn’t turn to a puddle of goo when he sees the bright orange puke-stravaganza that is his alma mater taking the court this afternoon. Back

4 – This dichotomy is the main reason that I refer to him as WITHEY! in these hallowed pages. Andrew actually came up with the joke one day during an email exchange, where he mentioned that Withey was one of the most extreme players that we’d had in a while. Essentially, he was either doing something incredibly brilliant, or he was bricking a layup. Either way, you could bellow WITHEY! and no one would be the wiser that you weren’t differentiating between the good or the bad. This should not be confused with anything related to Tyshawn because Tyshawn’s elegance or destructiveness is more like the whims a capricious deity than an exercise in extremes. Where Withey doesn’t seem to be trying to actively fuck something up and inexplicably turning it into a brilliant play (or a crushing turnover), Tyshawn seems to actively try to do the most insane thing he can possibly think of. Sometimes, it works for him (the Texas Two-Steppin’ Chest Pass) and sometimes it doesn’t (driving into three Mizzou defenders). Tyshawn’s a lost cause at this point and I’m just riding out the wave. WITHEY! has the potential to change and be one of the better players on next year’s squad and erase all the negative connotations associated with his nickname. Only time…and Danny Manning…will tell. Back

5 – That’s the second reference to OSU and William’s history there. I’m not sure how I feel about him having to play against OSU all the time now. It’s weird because, even in years when OSU is criminally bad, they tend to give us a run for our money. On top of that, we have a hard fucking time topping them at Stillwater. What’s weird to me is that the ghosts of the program that should be haunting Self when he goes home are long gone. His coach when he played there (Paul Hansen) doesn’t even have a Wikipedia page, so he couldn’t have been that important. Eddie Sutton (Toupee’s second assistant position was under Leonard Hamilton, then Sutton) shuffled off in disgrace after popping some heavy lids and a liter of vodka before trying to catch a plane to Tiajuana10. Back

6 – Seriously, won’t this guy fucking die or graduate already? He’s like my dad’s age at this point, except that my dad couldn’t hit a three pointer to save his life. Funny story about my dad and basketball: neither of us is very good at the game, but when I was a kid and we used to play one-on-one, I remember that, if I got up on him, he’d get a little irate and decide to teach me a lesson. The lesson was “I’m bigger than you, so I’m just going to plow through you, get a layup and then force you to give me a FT because you blocked me too”. For real. He’d literally move into me at full speed to prove his point, even though he was taller than me. It’s kind of funny in hindsight and, given the competitive nature I inherited from him, shocking that I didn’t just clock him once he got into that mindset. Back

7 – I like to call this the Coach K Special. College basketball fans, true fans of the entirety of the sport, will remember the notorious game between Duke and Carolina during Baby Bird’s Sophomore season. Coach K, losing the game already, decided to put Gerald Henderson in the game with just under 15 seconds left to play. Henderson, after a quick pep talk/operation briefing, went straight to Hansbrough and elbowed him in the nose. It was like Henderson’s elbow was a magnet and Baby Bird’s nose was a 14 foot steel beam. It’s laughable since the game was already over, and Henderson, at the time, wasn’t an important player to the team. Next year, Henderson became a starter. I might be a conspiracy theorist here, but I think that Coach K made Gerry an offer he couldn’t refuse, if you catch my drift. Back

8 – Okay, now THAT, that might be racist [see footnote 10 below]. Back

9 – That’s assuming, of course, that Teahan doesn’t piss the General off by subbing in and immediately jacking up a three without taking a couple possessions to move the ball around, get a feel for the flow, and only then jack up a three pointer. God, I love Bobby Knight. Unlike most announcers, especially at the college level, he’s not afraid to pull punches. Who gives a fuck if you shit all over a poor kid who’s just trying their best? Feelings, like college players’ throats, are just something that Knight plans on smashing through if given the opportunity. Also, prime example of Knight not giving two fucks about anyone, when we won the Championship in 2008, all the announcers in the pre-game shit (I was there, so I didn’t actually hear this) were talking about how Memphis needed to win, for their city, for their program, and because they were stacked with NBA level talent. Knight sat there, listening to all of this, bemused, and when it came time for him to speak, simply said “I think Kansas will win.” Everyone started arguing with him. When the game was over, everyone and their mother was bemoaning the fact that Memphis got robbed and that the game (which, by the way, one of the greatest championship games ever) was taken from the Tigers. Again, Knight sat there, biding his time, before they finally went to him. He basically told everyone to shut the fuck up because 1.) he knew Kansas would win all along and 2.) they were the better team all around, had the better game plan, and executed the better strategy down the stretch (you know, when the opponent shoots like 50% on the year from the charity stripe, put those fuckers on the line and let them beat themselves). Mr. Knight, you sir, are a man amongst men, a champion of a bygone era where people don’t give a fuck what anyone thinks about them. Also, my mom relayed most fo the information above to me, so it could be clouded by her semi-love of the Jayhawks (which I suppose is an extension of her love for me) and could possibly be jumbled due to the fact that I blacked out from sheer excitement when Chalmers hit that three. But if you’ve been reading this blog or know me personally, you knew this already. Back

A – Please, OSU fans, don’t take that the wrong way. I love Eddie Sutton and I’m just making a joke because this blog is satire, just like my Twitter stream, a point lost on a website called Single Asian Male (no link because the site’s getting bombarded by malware right now. Over the summer, I made a joke on Twitter about how the Women’s World Cup final was the USA against Japan in Germany and it reminded me of WWII. I didn’t say “Fuck the Japanese, let’s re-nuke them for their past transgressions…plus, I’m pretty sure they’re the real culprits for the downfall of the American economy. Plus, they all smell like cheap sushi and stale sake”. No, all I did was point out that two of the principals in the the second World War, a historical event, were meeting up in Germany, arguably the biggest participant in said historical event. No judgement passed. Just a connection and a joke about a war my grandfathers both fought in. Again, though, the site is full of malware, so I can’t see in what context they’ve decided to assault my tweet. I’ve actually been debating whether or not, given the chance, I would defend myself. Part of me wants to ask them what they think is racist about the statement because I didn’t write it with any racist intention. But that seems silly, since it would just open me up to a flame war with a bunch of pissed off people who are probably more racist than I am (again, I was unable to visit the site, but based on the results that Google offered up, it seemed kind of like a place where a bunch of seriously testy guys get together to bemoan how awful their lives are). Back