Filed under: March Madness | Tags: Benedict Arnold, Bryce Dessner, James Michael McAdoo, kansas, NCAA Men's Division I Basketball Championship, North Carolina, United States, Zubaz
A good old fashioned showdown. The Sun King vs. the Traitor.
What a crazy first three days. After trying their hardest to shit the bed against the plucky Southern team, Gonzaga ended up getting punted from the tournament last night. Anyone who watched them struggle down the stretch against Southern only to get bailed out by the refs knew this was coming. That Gonzaga team really was overated. Now the whole country knows. That it came at the hands of a Shocker team that has been quietly making waves over the last couple of years and finally broke through on Saturday night made it that much sweeter.
Friday night was a bit of a nervewracking affair, since I went to BAM during the first half of the game to see Planetarium. I definitely shouldn’t have jeoporadized my sanity that way. When they finished going through all the planets, they decided to come back out and do an encore. For an orchestral piece. It was made doubly ridiculous by the fact that they played “Somewhere Over the Rainbow.” You know, like Sufjan, Bryce Dessner, and Niko Mulahy were trying to troll me.
What I watched on Friday night didn’t inspire a whole lot of confidence in us making it super far in the tournament. It wasn’t just that we were flat coming out of the gate and Western Kentucky was playing like they had nothing to lose. Of course, they really didn’t have anything to lose, which might explain that attitude. We, however, didn’t even play like we were going through the motions. We didn’t look like ourselves at any point in the game that I watched. We’re lucky that the Hilltoppers didn’t pull off the improbable 16-1 upset this year. It really could have happened.
So, we survived to fight another day. And that day is today. Here are the important parts of the game.
North Carolina: Benedict Williams left us after telling the world “I don’t give a damn about North Carolina.” Most of us held a pretty bitter grudge, but much like the real Benedict Arnold’s percetpion in American memory, the betrayal is starting to fade. Sure, it’s always fun to knock off your old coach, but I don’t think I hate the way he left us as much as I did from 2003-08. Of course, my parents are huge Tar Heels, which might speak to that. Besides, there isn’t a hell of a lot of pleasure in beating a Carolina team that’s running 4 guards with James Michael McAdoo on the inside, and not really playing it all that well. Coming into the Big Dance, they were clearly playing with a backs to the wall mentality and that can only carry you so far. Like the Second Round.
Kansas: We have the ever-successful Sun King Toupee prowling our sidelines. Why would I ever want a guy who managed to miss the tournament a year after winning it? Why would I want a guy who was, until the last two weeks, in very real danger of having coached a flagship Blue Blood to two NITs in five years? Why would I want that when I can be assured of 83% success on the court, ten straight regular seeason titles, a slew of conference tournament titles, and always making the dance? I wouldn’t trade the Sun King for anything, let alone Benedict Williams.
Advantage: Kansas. Also, Zubaz shorts, which I will be wearing this evening in solidarity.
Filed under: Life During Wartime | Tags: Bo Ryan, Doug Gottlieb, ESPN, FedEx, Greg Gumbel, Little Miss Sunshine, Oklahoma State, Zubaz
Before we get busy with my thoughts on the weekend’s action, let me offer you a chance to join my bracket pool. Have you ever read my shit and thought “Dude knows nothing of the game?” Well, now’s your chance to take me on head to head, as well as some of the people who get namechecked around these parts. There’s no money, only glory. And maybe a chance for you to have a guest piece where you get to make fun of me for watching so much college ball it might be unhealthy, yet suck ass at bracket picking. Want in on the action? Hit it up and get in to it here.
“You think that’s funny, Rodney, what about the time I dismantled Iowa State so bad that some fat moleman tried to kill Toupee? Yeah, good times.”
It goes without saying that the Ex-Pats and I were pretty amped about the way God’s Team went into Kansas City and made the Big XII X XII Tournament our bitch. Every game was interesting, for a half, before we decided to completely numb our opponents before disecting them. Hell, even the Zubaz inspired unis weren’t the eye-fucking nightmare we all feared they’d be1. On top of that, our foes couldn’t have gone any better, save for somehow meeting up with TCU in the second round. Sure, the Oklahoma State loss was like getting punched in the dick, then punched again while you’re trying to piss blood to make the pain go away2, but we’d already had it out with them. I wanted blood and the only thing standing in our way from getting to the real meat of the tourney was a woeful Texas Tech team3.
While at work, debating whether or not I should fake an injury to slip out to a bar and catch the game, I decided that no one would believe that I got a high ankle sprain calculating advertising costs, so I elected to pop in the old earbuds and watch the game. I suppose the universe didn’t dig on that too much, since my phone only gave me the audio. No matter, I would just listen to a completely lethargic sounding first half. Imagine my surprise when we came out in the second and scored a commanding 57 points. I felt like, knowing that Iowa State was waiting for us, we had reason to be hopeful that we were at least imbued with confidence.
That’s right, we got the motherfucking hardware.
Friday night came and we met up at Standings for the Iowa State game. Naturally, there was a ton of feelings around this one, seeing as how they’d kind of been hosed in our second meeting and our first was such a crazy stressful affair. If you’d said “One of God’s Warriors is going to decapitate Hoiberg then dunk his head while posterizing Korie Lucious” I probably wouldn’t have guessed Perry DANGER Ellis4. St. Benji McDunks, absolutely. The Prophet, no doubt. Swashbuckler, he’s got it in him. Fuck, man, even Tharpapalooza seemed like a prime candidate for popping off5. I never would have guessed Ellis, only because I didn’t think he had the confidence quite yet to knock down 23 and make the Snor-clones understand that, while they might be decent this year, they’re a damn site from even approaching us. Also, I don’t think I’ve ever seen anything quite as crazy as the barely-a-taunt technical, Toupee looking like he was trying to scream his way through the back of the ref’s head, before finally getting T’d up himself. Apparently, even Doomsday’s baller-ass suit was no match for the fury and Tyler couldn’t even figure out a way to calm down the crazed chipmunk. Next time, Tyler, don’t lead with “I totally wrecked mom’s car on the way to the game tonight.”
Which brings us to Saturday night and a showdown with Sexual Frustration. Yes, the Sexual Frustration that tried to trick the world into thinking that sharing a title with us put us on the same level. Nope. I think it just speaks to our bad luck and how the rest of the league, while good, is substantially worse than we are. Think about it. We were destined to lose a game, probably that Oklahoma State game. Give us back that TCU loss, though? Outright title. If we’d taken care of Oklahoma, there would have been no doubt. So, despite sharing our ninth regular season title with little cousin, we went into the title game ready to take care of business. Put that shit to bed, once and for all. You know, after the first half ended.
Granted, we managed to keep K-State to their lowest first half total in an insanely long time6, but we also didn’t look like the world beaters that we’d shown ourselves to be for stretches of the season. Again, that’s when the second half happened. We worked K-State up and down the floor, making sure they knew who owns the Big XII X XII and who will always be the second banana. If anyone else wants to regulate, they have to go through us. Regular season and conference tournament, it doesn’t matter.
We run this fucking conference.
I don’t care that he’s gone at the end of the year. Dude’s a Jayhawk for Life.
Which brought us to Selection Sunday, the Ash Wednesday to the three-week Lent of the tournament, where I watched the ACC Title game while talking to my mom. Strangely, she seemed somewhat resolved to Benedict Williams’ squad collapsing7 Then, I suffered through a Big Ten title game that was about as thrilling as watching paint dry8. And after 40 minutes of Greg Gumbel interviewing coaches like he was trying out for the most boring sportscaster ever9, we were there. We sat on the edge of our seats, knowing that we’d done every thing we could to that point. Maybe we could have won that TCU game. Maybe we could have also won that OU game. But at that point, it didn’t matter anymore. Everything was in the hands of the selection comittee.
And they gave us a fucking number one seed. Great. Now, I have the anxiety of knowing that anything short of a championship is going to be perceived as choking and failure by the general public. Wonderful.
And here I thought March was going to be a relaxing month for me10.
FOOTNOTES
1 – I agree with most people I’ve talked about them with, the home whites didn’t look nearly as awful as the shit show road uniforms unveiled by Adidas. Of course, the flipside is that Jane was so inspired by the look that she decided to buy a pair of Zubaz shorts for me to wear this tournament season. At least that’s what she told me anyway. I was told by FedEx they should have been delivered and, to date, I have yet to see them. Back
2 – I’m no doctor, but I’m pretty sure it doesn’t help. Just chalk that one up to the youthful exuberance I’m finally getting around to having following a long weekend spent drinking beers, high fiving, and screaming at other people’s TVs. Needless to say, I was a little drained all day yesterday. I wanted to write the intro to this piece as a piece for yesterday, but I literally couldn’t get off the couch. In direct contrast to that youthful exuberance comment, I’m totally old balls. Back
3 – One that made one prudent decision and one not so prudent decision when it elected to drop all of the team’s staff, but retain the head coach. I’ll let you guess which one of these moves was the smart one. Back
4 – Josh, no idea if you took that from someone, but I’m using it. Consider it a reward for sticking around through all the good times, bad times, and times I kind of spent too many hours half-asleep on the couch to actually bring anything approaching the level of content you’re used to. Back
5 – Granted, Tharpapalooza popping off would have probably been somewhere more in the neighborhood of 15 points, 8 assists, and 5 steals, but you get the idea. Back
6 – ESPN threw up a stat at one point about how long it had been since Sexual Frustration had scored so poorly in the first half. I do remember that. The actual stat is lost to the ether. Back
7 – I’m pretty sure talking to me helped. I was able to distract her with snarky comments on Roy’s sport coat, which looked like something Bobby Knight would have rocked in the 1970s while chucking chairs up and down the court. The only thing weirder than the coat was the fact that Roy seemed to be wearing one of Wanda’s lucky shamrock earrings in his boutonnière. Look it up, I’m telling the honest truth. Back
8 – Except for Bo Ryan’s halftime interview with ESPN’s sideline reporter. He essentially went out of his way to try and make Greg Poppovich look like the head monk at the Abbey of Saint Greg Kinnear from Little Miss Sunshine. “They made a lot of shots, so…” What a fucking asshole wonderful moment in sports and proves why athletic competition is the only form of reality television. Back
9 – Not to take away from Doug Gottlieb’s attempt to be the biggest prick on national TV. Throughout the day, he argued his points with such vehemence that he would let the other white guy or Kenny Smith get a fucking word in edgewise. When they were arguing number one seeds, you’d think that these two guys had Eiffel Towered his mom or something he was so pissy with them. Then, he capped that performance by proving his “cupcake schedule” point by taking a huge bite of a cupcake…on TV…and talking through it. Needless to say, my southern grandparents died form the site of a well-dressed man talking with his mouth full of food. Never change, Doug. Never change. Unless you’re talking about the possibility of VCU taking on KU in the tournament. In which case, feel free to stop lording that loss over us because you played for OSU and you still hate God’s Team. It’s really okay. I’ll take all the success in place of you wearing your shorts backwards one time. Back
10 – Seriously. I thought we’d end up like a three seed and we’d be able to graciously bow out in the Sweet Sixteen. Obviously, I want us to win every tournament, but I’m also realistic about these things. The thing that actually bugs me more than not winning every year is that, if you don’t win every year, everyone goes bananas for the upset (even if we’re an underacheiving team that year, since most people don’t watch as much hoops as I do) and, when next season rolls around, you’re unfairly labeled choke artists for the fact that you didn’t destroy a team that was completely unstoppable from distance. Seriously. Ugh. Welcome to March. Back
Long Distance Jayhawk 